I’m sorry I’ve been so distant…

I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately.

I’ve been such a bad friend to you.

I apologize so much for not being there for you when you really needed me.

It’s nothing you did, it’s just me.

Can you ever forgive me?

Can you tell I’ve heard this lament a few times? I have heard it, so many times and from a lot of different people. I’m not talking about the people that move far away or have had life challenges to deal with, or are working their butts off trying to pay the mortgage. I’m talking about your regular joe friends. Those are the ones I hear this from and there’s a reason I’ve heard this so much throughout my life. I hear it because I give folks a free pass. I’m that friend that always responds exactly how you want them to. I’m the one sitting there with the understanding look plastered on my face saying, “No, it’s okay, really. I totally understand. I get it. No worries.”

I say this and I try to be sincere about it, but I can tell you that every single time what I have actually felt was sadness and heartache. Do you want to know why?

I feel let down, forgotten about, like I wasn’t thought enough of as a friend to be included in their life when it wasn’t so great. Or maybe their life sure looked great in pictures they posted on social media of parties and dinners they were hanging out at with other friends, and why wasn’t I getting a call then? I feel like they don’t trust me, or maybe they don’t really even like me that much, but they’re back because they need something from me. Oh yeah. There’s that too. I have been the friend that always puts out, the Giver. The one that allows you to take and take and take until they either explode in anger and tell you to fuck off, or they limp away feeling ashamed they didn’t have more to give before the user-friend got bored and decided to ghost them…gee hunny, I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.

Do you want to know who I’m distant with?

I’m distant with people I don’t trust, people I do not like or want to ever be around. I have no intention of ever trying to go back and be friendly with them again. I don’t understand people that do this. What is it about a friendship can be put on a tentative hold until further notice? They are not my tribe therefore they have nothing I will ever need badly enough to swallow my pride and admit to them that I’ve just been a shitty friend, but can I please start hanging out around them again.

Think about it.

Define “bad friend”.

It’s an oxymoron.

I wrote about the difference in another post entitled: Being a Good Friend. In this post I talk about what a good friend is and how they behave and how distancing yourself from people you claim to love is not something you do.

For a few years I sat home feeling powerless and could never figure out what I had done wrong when a friendship turned sour. Why did some of my friends treat me so badly? Didn’t I always do what they wanted? Didn’t I always show up and help when they needed me?

As it turns out, the problem wasn’t only the fault of the so-called friend, it was also my problem. I didn’t know when to say no. I could never tell them that I didn’t appreciate being stood up, or left out, insulted to my face or gossiped about when I wasn’t present. As long as you let this kind of treatment continue, you can’t blame the person for doing it.

The problem is that if the person does these things, they really aren’t your friend. Friends don’t treat other friends that badly. If this was okay, then why didn’t you treat them the same way? Why wasn’t this normal for you to do to them?

Why don’t I distance myself from my friends and then show up one day and tell them how sorry I am that I did that? I dunno. Doing that has just never occurred to me unless I don’t like someone. If I don’t like them I usually don’t go back. Maybe if I had been in the hospital, or taking care of a sick friend, or if I had been out of my mind the whole time? So, I just can’t answer that. I don’t know how some people are able to do that to their friends.

Too often we give away our power and our self esteem by giving people that do this to us on a regular basis, a free pass. If you’ll let them do it to you once, then you’re fair game and they can do that and probably other heinously mean things to you and you’ll be fine with it, as long as they continue to claim to be your friend.

I don’t know how you’re feeling right now, but I can tell you what I came to terms with this year. I am a good friend and I’m a great person to include in your life. If you can’t see that and respect my feelings enough to treat me like a friend, then you’re not a friend and I finally get it. No more free passes. It doesn’t mean I dislike you, it simply means I no longer make time for you. If you want to grab lunch and catch up, then awesome! Let’s do that! But don’t expect me to make any more investments in a future as your boo.

I know life happens at warp speed and I can forgive and overlook a lot of mishaps in my friend’s lives, as I would hope they would do the same for me, but what I can not abide is someone that continually feels the need to shun me and then apologoze for shunning me.

Life is hurtful sometimes for all of us and yet, I have never felt the need to cut anyone out of my life that I love. And that’s the way a real friend behaves.

 

 

 

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What they don’t tell you about wearing deodorant/antiperspirant

I stopped wearing underarm deodorant/antiperspirant last year. It was an interesting process to go through and I am so happy to finally be on the other side of that. I wrote about that experience as it was happening here entitled; I don’t stink! 

“Chatting, drinking coffee and washing my face, I lifted my arm to apply deodorant when she wistfully said, “Oh, deodorant. I gave that up for breast cancer.” Her face was melancholy and sad. It was something I could tell she missed, but I understood why she never reapplied it.

This made me wonder how much I might be hurting myself too.”
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What is my “oh shiny!” moment?

What makes me stop whatever I’m doing  and grab my phone or my camera to take a photo? The answer to that question is so easy! In fact, anyone that knows me, knows the answer too.

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Posted in Artsy and Poetic, Just thoughts | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

it’s Enough, and we are here with you

The other day I received a comment on one of my most popular posts about those *cough*lovely*cough* personality disordered people many of us just can not understand, or get away from. It was a long and detailed comment and one that took me a few days to respond to because it jammed jangled me to my bones. I have edited it down to the bloody marrow here, but if you’d like to read the comment in it’s entirety, you can find it on Telling Your Side versus a Narcissistic Smear Campaign

I encourage you to read the comment because it breaks down and describes exactly what happens when you rebel against someone that has a Cluster B personality disorder. I swear they must share some kind of genetic GPS mapping system! I also applaud the moniker the writer has chosen because, People, the personality disordered that walk among us have surely had enough of our time, our joy and happiness, our peace and our futures. This soul is showing how ready they are to move on. They’ve had enough and now they’re ready to battle.

Clearly, I have some “victim stench” that draws bullies to me. A friend who was also bullied when she was young says it’s because I have the qualities these disordered people lack, but I think it’s some behaviors I learned as a child that are still there. With every passing year, I become more and more withdrawn and isolated because it seems like I can’t have more than superficial relationships without somehow giving away my status as a bully magnet. I also live in a place that seems to attract a lot of disordered people and in a culture that allows and even promotes bullying. Any information about making yourself less of a target would be appreciated. Short of just not having relationships, I don’t know what to do. I find myself saying, “I hate people” a lot these days, and I don’t like it.

~Enough

My response is one I hope you’ll also read because it carries the weight of experience and heartbreak. The truth is this; people that execute smear campaigns are not redeemable. Walk away from them and never look back. People that listen to smear campaigns are not your friends, probably never were your friends. Smile and nod when you see them, then walk away from them and never look back.

This is the truth.

This is my truth.

This is your truth.

I carried the victim stench of many failed connections simply because I had no personal boundaries. I never realized the parts of all of those painful hours wondering why someone would want to hurt me so badly, were something I had complete power and control to change.

You have that power too.

All those sad people saying bad things about you and trying to make you miserable, isolating you, shunning you. Those people come from a place of fear. They’re afraid of your light and of your potential. They know you’re better than they could ever hope to be! To make themselves feel better, they try to tear you down. Shake your head and laugh. You have better things to do.

Removing victim stench may take some time, but it eventually disappears. I promise. As you continue to heal and make better choices, your old skin will shed and you’ll be a brand new and much stronger person for having had this experience. Much love to you from me in the meantime!! ❤

~Madeline Laughs

It really is this simple. Now go out there and set some personal boundaries, walk away from drama queens, don’t listen to gossip and spend your time around the people that have genuinely loved you, no matter what.

Posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments

what is So Fascinating?

 

Today I am pondering the reasons a particular group of folks have for continuing to talk about me. I will give them this one thought and trust me, there won’t be a second one. I am thinking this might be my last post about people that gossip, but ya never know!

I have come to realize this type of mob mentality share a few common traits…

One of them is boredom and dissatisfaction with their own lives.

Here’s my advice; go out into the world and make your life fantastic and full of everything that brings you great joy. Only then will you find it tedious and plebeian to talk about other people.

Another reason is the attempt to develop a sense of superiority among their own peers. They feel like they have to prove something to their friends and if appearing to be so much better off than poor, little unfortunate “her”, then they are accomplishing something, in their own minds, at least.

Here’s my advice; If you want to make yourself look “bigger” in the eyes of your friends, tell them how much you love and appreciate them for putting up with you, instead.

Besides, no matter how many words you spit from your embittered lips, you will never be better than me. LOL! Oh the tongue in cheek irony of anyone thinking that simply tearing someone to bits with mean gossip makes them look better, is simply appalling, not to mention terribly ignorant. I have no more time to spare for that.

There is nothing so fascinating about my life that merits even a 5 second addition to the latest juicy gossip, unless you want to add to the conversation that I am not interested in being friends with you because you maliciously gossip about all of your friends. You can definitely turn up the volume when you share that little morsel, because it’s true. 🙂

I have opened the Testimonials section on my blog! Check out the fabulous words from some of my readers! They are the best! Now this is the kind of “talking about someone” I can get behind! Praise your friends and lift them up. That’s the best kind of gossip I know of. You can words from my friends on the Home page under Happy Readers, or click the link here: Happy Readers

Until next time this is Madeline, and I’m listening.

Posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Small towns gossip, but shhhh! we don’t Talk about that

I was reading an article recently that was written by a woman that grew up in this small town, moved away for school and then moved back. She was waxing poetic about the people in the community and how they were the reasons to come “home”. There was this strong connection and love for your family and childhood friends that lived there that was so important. Being a part of the small community was the best because they were united and always had your back…

*record scratch*

… um, didn’t I just listen to you trash your best friend and her family over lunch? And weren’t you the one also telling me those nasty stories about your boss and how much the town disliked her and her family?

Where exactly is the love and connection and support there?

I’m not feeling it.

You see, that’s what no one ever talks about. There are many small town folks that thrive on malicious gossip about each other. It’s just what they do and they see nothing wrong with the harmful and untrue lies they spread about their friends and neighbors. It’s a way of living they grew up with, like Snuffy Smith’s wife, Louisa, over the backyard fence chewing the fat with their neighbor. It’s how the “news” was shared long before there were newspapers, televisions and community forums, except this would be the news whispered behind your back.   Continue reading

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Getting therapy and why it’s a Good Thing

 

that’ll be 5 cents please!

I am someone that believes in talking therapies. I think sitting in front of someone that is professionally trained to tease out and notice the nuance of what you might be bumbling through, is a healing process.

This being said, I also acknowledge that Cluster B personality disorders do not benefit in a healthy way from talking therapies. What happens when they participate is they are able to hone their already screwed up ways of dealing with life. For instance; someone I used to know used what she learned from her therapist to manipulate and exploit her 80 year old grandmother into doing exactly what she wanted her to do. When she proudly told me how she did it and how successful the experiment ended up being, I wanted to vomit.

Cluster B personality disorders and talking therapies are a recipe for disaster, however a good therapist knows rather quickly who they’re working with and they do try to keep the sessions tame.

There used to be this stigma attached to seeing a therapist. People wondered what was wrong with you and if you were actually a bit loopy. Fear of the unknown and asking someone to poke around into your emotions is sometimes scary, but once you get started the relief you feel and the catharsis of unloading and getting rid of those ideas that have you paralyzed with terror is beyond amazing. Those days of fanciful speculation and magical thinking are hopefully in the past as a multitude of folks are benefiting from “laying on that couch”.

If you ever feel compelled to judge someone because they are seeing a therapist, perhaps instead of judging them you should ask yourself why that scares you so much. I’m going to have say right here; don’t knock it, if you haven’t tried it.

How do talking therapies help?   Continue reading

Posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments