When do you finally use tough love on your friend so she’ll stop bemoaning the guy that constantly lets her know that she’s not the One? I don’t know, I never got up enough nerve to say that, now famous, saying “He’s just not that into you!” to my friend. Instead I let it carry on until it was the only topic of every conversation we had.
You saw the famous Sex And The City episode that brought worldwide attention to the writers of the show for finally sharing this profound and little known fact about how men really feel about some women. Greg Behrendt was the writer from SATC that coined the phrase, then wrote the book with the same title. Then the book became the movie. The book and the movie provide a no excuses guide to understanding men.
I have always tried to be the cheerleader when it comes to my friends and their love interests. I love it when my friends are in love. It’s the break-ups I can’t stand, but sometimes they’re inevitable. It all starts with the tearful call late at night. The one that has my husband mouthing “Who the hell calls this late?” and me shrugging my shoulders as I check the Caller ID and race to another room to take the call. I already had a sneaking suspicion who is calling, but harbored hope that somehow all of my earlier examinations and ruminations from the previous two hour phone session with my friend had somehow miraculously come true and they would be dancing the HappilyEverAfter Dance by now. Not so, it seems.
I prepare myself for another two hour session, where I am the captive counselor and my friend cries her eyes out over some man that has shown her over and over again that she’s NOT the One.
Why can’t I just be strong enough for the both of us and tell her “Hey! If he has another woman overnight in his apartment that should pretty much sum it up for you!”? But I’m not. So I sit and I listen and I make comforting sounds and say all the things she wants to believe are the truth, when in reality, nothing I’m saying is helping her move on.
I think that any woman or man that finds themselves questioning their mate or potential mate’s integrity has some serious issues to resolve within themselves before they try analyzing the other person. Most often the *other* person is living their lives by their own rules and not by yours. This means your feelings and your heartbreak, are no one’s responsibility but yours. They obviously don’t care, no matter how much they tell you they do. And if you’re lucky enough to find that other human being with enough empathy to say they don’t mean to hurt you, or that they’re trying not to hurt you, believe them and move the fuck on. To stay is only to hurt yourself.
It’s like Mr. Behrandt says “If a guy likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way.” And that includes another woman.
If you’re in this situation the worst thing you can do for yourself is to start making excuses for the guy’s behavior. “Um, he’s just spending the night with that woman in order to make up his mind about how much more he likes me than her.” No, he’s spending the night with that woman because:
A. He’s horny and she said okay.
B. He likes that woman and wants to be with her. But trust me, *you* never entered his mind or that dynamic.
If he’s having coitus with someone besides you, then he’s just not that into you.
“Um, he says he doesn’t want to be intimate with me until he knows for sure that I’m the one he wants to be exclusive with.”
If he’s not interested in sex with you then:
A. He might not be into women.
B. He might not be into you.
There are no in betweenies when it comes to any red-blooded male. They either do, or they can’t.
Here’ s something you can take to the bank! How much are you worth? Are you worth more than a one night stand? Are you worth more than the bimbo he’s spending the weekend with? Is it worth it to you to continue to sit at home and cry over someone that isn’t sitting at home crying over you?
If you find that you are worth it, then go out into the world and invest yourself in someone who thinks you’re expensive and delicious too. Don’t spend the rest of your life hanging on the Clearance Rack.
To all of my friends that have sold themselves short over some cheap dude, please know that I will always be here for you and my shoulder is yours to cry on whenever you need it. But from now on instead of continuing to meet you in front of the Bargain Basement Bin, I’m taking you with me on the escalator to the really good stuff. I think you’re worth it and I plan on helping you find the full priced cashmere.
Now, where did you put that receipt? You have some returns to make!
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