He’s Just Not That Into You, no really, he’s not!


When do you finally use tough love on your friend so she’ll stop bemoaning the guy that constantly lets her know that she’s not the One? I don’t know, I never got up enough nerve to say that, now famous, saying “He’s just not that into you!” to my friend. Instead I let it carry on until it was the only topic of every conversation we had.

You saw the famous Sex And The City episode that brought worldwide attention to the writers of the show for finally sharing this profound and little known fact about how men really feel about some women. Greg Behrendt was the writer from SATC that coined the phrase, then wrote the book with the same title. Then the book became the movie. The book and the movie provide a no excuses guide to understanding men.

I have always tried to be the cheerleader when it comes to my friends and their love interests. I love it when my friends are in love. It’s the break-ups I can’t stand, but sometimes they’re inevitable.   It all starts with the tearful call late at night. The one that has my husband mouthing “Who the hell calls this late?” and me shrugging my shoulders as I check the Caller ID and race to another room to take the call. I already had a sneaking suspicion who is calling, but harbored hope that somehow all of my earlier examinations and ruminations from the previous two hour phone session with my friend had somehow miraculously come true and they would be dancing the HappilyEverAfter Dance by now. Not so, it seems.

I prepare myself for another two hour session, where I am the captive counselor and my friend cries her eyes out over some man that has shown her over and over again that she’s NOT the One.

Why can’t I just be strong enough for the both of us and tell her “Hey! If he has another woman overnight in his apartment that should pretty much sum it up for you!”? But I’m not. So I sit and I listen and I make comforting sounds and say all the things she wants to believe are the truth, when in reality, nothing I’m saying is helping her move on.

I think that any woman or man that finds themselves questioning their mate or potential mate’s integrity has some serious issues to resolve within themselves before they try analyzing the other person. Most often the *other* person is living their lives by their own rules and not by yours. This means your feelings and your heartbreak, are no one’s responsibility but yours. They obviously don’t care, no matter how much they tell you they do. And if you’re lucky enough to find that other human being with enough empathy to say they don’t mean to hurt you, or that they’re trying not to hurt you, believe them and move the fuck on. To stay is only to hurt yourself.

It’s like Mr. Behrandt says “If a guy likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way.” And that includes another woman.

If you’re in this situation the worst thing you can do for yourself is to start making excuses for the guy’s behavior. “Um, he’s just spending the night with that woman in order to make up his mind about how much more he likes me than her.” No, he’s spending the night with that woman because:

A. He’s horny and she said okay.

B. He likes that woman and wants to be with her. But trust me, *you* never entered his mind or that dynamic.

If he’s having coitus with someone besides you, then he’s just not that into you.

“Um, he says he doesn’t want to be intimate with me until he knows for sure that I’m the one he wants to be exclusive with.”


If he’s not interested in sex with you then:

A. He might not be into women.

B. He might not be into you.

There are no in betweenies when it comes to any red-blooded male. They either do, or they can’t.

Here’ s something you can take to the bank! How much are you worth? Are you worth more than a one night stand? Are you worth more than the bimbo he’s spending the weekend with? Is it worth it to you to continue to sit at home and cry over someone that isn’t sitting at home crying over you?

If you find that you are worth it, then go out into the world and invest yourself in someone who thinks you’re expensive and delicious too. Don’t spend the rest of your life hanging on the Clearance Rack.

To all of my friends that have sold themselves short over some cheap dude, please know that I will always be here for you and my shoulder is yours to cry on whenever you need it. But from now on instead of continuing to meet you in front of the Bargain Basement Bin, I’m taking you with me on the escalator to the really good stuff. I think you’re worth it and I plan on helping you find the full priced cashmere.

Now, where did you put that receipt? You have some returns to make!

If you read something here that struck a nerve, make a comment. I’d love to hear from you. If you’d like to read more and just strike every nerve you own, consider pressing the Follow button on my home page and get notified every single time I bang on my keyboard. Thanks for stopping by today!

About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to He’s Just Not That Into You, no really, he’s not!

  1. Spread Information says:

    This makes me think of two things. First some words of wisdom from a modern dance teacher I once had as a mentor. Rule Number One. If he doesn’t want me, he can’t have me.

    Now I know this sounds simple, even silly at first, but there are times when repeating this over and over to myself kept me from becoming Someone’s Door Mat. Rule Number One stopped me from continually throwing myself after someone who had clearly demonstrated that they didn’t want me, and were on their way out the door. Glad I remembered it, even though it made no sense at the time.

    The other thing is this. People don’t move, leave their wives, their job, whatever it is that is the excuse for why you can’t be together, because they don’t want to deal with it. If they wanted to do it then they would do it. It’s very simple really. It’s not complicated at all. All those relationship status updates that say ‘it’s complicated’ are hilarious. It’s so blissfully uncomplicated as to be pablum to my heart.

    Here it is, are you ready? If you aren’t waking up every morning wondering what it is that you can do to get yourself more into my life then you are not the one for me. If the first thing on your mind when you open your eyes isn’t where is she, and why isn’t she in my bed every night then clearly you don’t feel the same way I do, and there isn’t a whole lot to talk about. Because talk is cheap. Show me.


  2. Pingback: Does he love me ? or why it does not matter with a narcissist | Healing my codependency and your narcissism

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