This weekend I went with one of my girlfriends to look at a house that was up for sale. She’s looking for a new place to live and wants to buy something just small enough for her, not too expensive and close to her job.
This house is for sale by the owner, so the owner was meeting us there to show us the property. We arrived first and got out to have a look around the yard before she arrived.
The yard was so overgrown I kept telling my friend to watch out for snakes. It was like trekking through the jungle. The outside of the house was tired! The facing boards around the foundation were ravished and looked infested with insects. I noticed about 3 broken windows, not a good sign.There were also all kinds of interesting things done with electrical wires strung hari-kari across the driveway and stapled along the roof eaves, etc. We decided it would be best to wait for the owner in the driveway.
Once she arrived we did a brief tour of the garage that was full of rodent droppings and a huge electronic rat trap. She wasn’t shy about telling us the house has just been broken into, was infested with carpenter ants and had another active termite infestation inside.
Gee, can’t wait to see it!
The kitchen appliances made my internal cash register start to cha-ching. None of them were in good shape. The refrigerator door was taped shut, the microwave was sporting broken glass in the door that had been repaired with cardboard and duct tape and the range-top had bent burners and was too small for the hole cut in the counter top so it sat precariously on the edge.
The floor plan was early Brady Bunch with a split level living room. One whole wall was housing a small termite colony and the carpet gave off a musty-haven’t-washed-my-feet-in-years-but-walk-around-barefoot smell to it. The bathrooms were all the early fifties look, when bathrooms got no respect. They were just big enough to hold the sink, the tub and the toilet. One of the shower walls had a Ziploc bag taped over the hole in the tiles left by the missing soap dish.
But none of this was the piece de la resistance!!
I remember it happening in slow motion. I’m strolling across the living room and mounting the carpeted steps to open the two double doors stylishly decorated with the rough beam motif. I grasp the fake brass doorknobs in my two little hands and throw the doors back with a flourish. The wind whips my hair! And I hear music playing loudly in my head.
BOW CHICA BOW WOOOWW!!!
BEHOLD!! THE MASTER’S BOUDOIR!!!
To my left is the built-in 70’s circa, dark stained pine bookcase complete with distressed patina. In the corner is a wood burning stove. To my right is the master bath with the metallic jungle wallpaper and wait…oh yes! I can see myself mirrored on all the bathroom walls. I can also see light in the far right corner of the large cave-like room.
I think this is very strange because the room has no windows.
So I move towards the light…
And there it is! The PLATFORM WATERBED! Completely done in the same 70’s circa, dark stained pine wood with a flower motif emblazoned on the foot board. The bed is built to stay because it is sitting on a concrete slab decorated with inlaid stones/rocks.
I turn to my right to see what is making the light that drew me to this sacred place and there are broken stairs leading up to a sunken hot tub that is empty except for a few dead bugs and a smidgen of rusty water. The light emanates from two strategically placed skylights that seem to also serve as water spigots because the ceiling surrounding them is covered in water stains. The hot tub looks to be about 30 years old and could seat about 20 people. It’s yellowed with age and she tells us that the jets still work, but the water doesn’t get hot anymore. The back wall is stone and has a waterfall that does still work though. How retro chic, I think to myself.
BOW CHICA BOW WOOWWW!!
I turn to our host, who lived in the house until 1993 and told her that she and her husband must have been very hip in their day.
The house was a rental for many years after they moved out. It had even functioned as a halfway house for wayward women that were never allowed to leave the property. So the destruction and the neglect happened after her residence in this blast from the past house.
I’m quite sure in it’s day it was quite the showcase home and it did have some of the remnants of an era gone by still intact.
sigh…good times….bow chica bow wooowww!!!…
Postscript…and my friend is still looking for her dream house. Sadly, this one wouldn’t do.
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