Visit our Property, Lose your Virginity

by Madeline Laughs
Great Dismal Swamp

Image by jonhildy via Flickr

Last weekend my husband and I mounted our bicycles to take one of our now-favorite bike rides. Recently we purchased some property back in a forest. It’s remote and beautiful.

The property is perched on top of a large hill and overlooks part of the preserve. Down below are two small ponds. The ponds are over 400 years old and tannin from cedar knobs.

Did you know that if you’re ever lost in the Great Dismal Swamp that you won’t die of thirst? The water in the swamp is also tannin from cedar knobs. The tannin acts like a natural disinfectant, making the water safe to drink. It’s brown and tastes like poo, but it won’t hurt you. What might kill you in the Great Dismal Swamp are snakes, bears, wolves, alligators and perhaps mosquitoes, if you get bit enough. 

The new property is covered with trees and foliage. There is a circular gravel driveway already imprinted on the parcel we bought because there used to be a house there. The house was torn down years ago, but scrapes from it still litter the property.

Leading into the lot we bought is a beautifully paved road with a small cul-de-sac that bridges the two ponds.It’s so pretty!

There are no other houses around.

What I have just described to you is the perfect teenage destination. Remote, romantic and reachable.

How do I know teenagers have been the only wildlife rooting around and mating on our property? The litter they leave behind tends to sell them out. Grape flavored cigarillo holders, beer cans, candy papers, condom wrappers, cigarette butts, 7-11 Big Gulp cups, pop bottles, etc. All teenage fodder and droppings.

The dead giveaway that they had seriously squatted on our land was found on our last visit.

We arrived to find two vertical tire tracks going up one of the hills on our lot. Some idiot had tried to climb a hill that was full of trees, with their vehicle. I stomped around about that for a few minutes. I was so mad I wanted to plaster every tree on the property with signs! SMILE! You’re on Candid Camera! No trespassing! Violators will be prosecuted! If you can read this sign you’re in target range! Private Property! Be nice, or leave!

But this wasn’t even close to what we would finally find that day.

We decided to climb a few of the hills surrounding our build site to get a bird’s eye view of the layout. We climbed the hills on foot, not in a two ton truck.

“Come on!” my husband said, “Let’s climb this one. It has a better view.” He scrambles to the top quickly, but I like to take my time working around all of the brambles and briars that might tear into my bare legs.

I get to the top and see that he is standing on a piece of carpet.

A piece of carpet folks!

In the woods!

On the ground!

On top of a hill!

The carpet is about 4 feet by 6 feet and it is situated right on the top of the hill. Standing in the middle of it you have a nice view of the entire property with a lovely view of the ponds below. From below you could easily be hidden from view. That is, you could be hidden from view if you were laying down. But the carpet hasn’t been protected from the elements, so it is very soiled and kind of gross.

But hey, in the dark, you’d never know that!

“Are you kidding me?!” I exclaim as I take my spot on the rug next to my husband. “Yeah.” he says “I think we just found where the magic happens. Hahahahahahahaha!”

So here’s the deal. If you want to continue littering and defacing our lovely lot, be prepared to become an exhibitionist. We’re going to film you and all of your antics and put them out on the Interwebs so all of your friends, neighbors, teachers, pastors and family can see too. That’s right! It will be our very own Candid Camera, with night vision.

But that’s not fair! you might whine. Yeah, I know, it really isn’t. But guess what, I really don’t care. 🙂

If you like to visit our slice of heaven, I have no problem with that. Visit, commune with nature, make out with your girlfriend if you want. Hell, we even left the carpet for you! But don’t litter. Don’t vandalize the beauty with your big, stupid four wheel drive. Make your visit a no impact one.

And just so you’re fully informed, we notified our friendly law enforcement so they’ll be keeping an eye on things from now on too.

As long as you’re nice, this heavenly spot will remain remote, romantic and reachable until we build our own carpeted love nest, on top of the hill that overlooks the ponds, underneath the stars together, so that we can lose our virginity again too.

About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
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