What’s a Dating Dealbreaker?

by Single Not Desperate

When I decided to start dating again I knew I would have to know what I was looking for this time. Dating after a marriage and after children is very different than when you’re young. When I was younger I didn’t have criteria. I didn’t have additional responsibilities and I wasn’t really looking for any one thing in particular. I just wanted to fall in love and get married.

I had to know what my dating dealbreakers were going to be.

Some dealbreakers are just automatic. You just know that you won’t be able to live with certain traits. I’ve talked about some of mine. Having a job is important to me. Having transportation is kind of important too. Those are some of the small ones. Most of my dealbreakers, I’m figuring out as I go along. 

A dealbreaker can be as insignificant as “must love dogs”, but it has a deeper meaning in the long run. Maybe I’m allergic to cats. If he has a herd of cats at home I might sneeze my head off and swell up every time we get together.

Dealbreakers are also a great way to predict the future.

Mr. Mom and I were on the most fantastic date. We had a beautiful dinner and some great wine. I loved that he had such refined tastes and sensibilities. Neither of us wanted the evening to end, so we went for a walk in a local park.

He reached down to hold my hand and I thought to myself that things were starting to get close for us. I looked up at him and decided that now was the time to talk about our dealbreakers. I wanted to talk about them before the kissing and the caressing started. I wanted to know where I stood before my knees were too weak to keep me standing.

“Mr. Mom? I think I might have something to tell you that you might not like.”

I must confess that I have an obsession with karaoke. I go to Karaoke Night every Wednesday at my favorite bar. I know the song list by heart and I sign up for at least a half dozen songs every time. I love to sing, even though I am no Mariah Carey. I still love that feeling of getting up on stage and belting out a song. Karaoke and all of my karaoke friends became my lifeline when my marriage ended. It was a built in support system with musical therapy at a time in my life when I needed to heard. This is not something I am willing to give up. This is one of my dealbreakers.

Unfortunately, Mr. Mom had revealed to me over the course of texting and emails, that he thought karaoke was for freaks. He hated karaoke. In fact, he said that when he was a cab driver, the people he picked up outside of the karaoke bar were some of the weirdest people he had ever met. “Karaoke is for fruit loops!” he had said.

Well, you’re dating a fruit loop.

My revelation took him completely by surprise. He couldn’t believe it. I could see that I had rocked his world a little bit. “So, do you think you might go out with me this Wednesday to Karaoke Night? You don’t have to sing, but knowing you’re in the audience listening to me would mean a lot.” We walked along, holding hands. He was quiet for a moment. Then he shook his head, “No. I can’t do that. You can go and do karaoke all you want, but I am never setting foot inside of that place.”

I explained to him how much this meant to me. I told him about my friends there and how much they meant to me, but he stood his ground and refused to have anything to do with this large part of my life at the moment. Yes, things might change down the road, but what about right now? How would we ever have a relationship with this between us?

I let go of his hand.

This single-minded stubbornness, this inability to compromise, was a glimpse into my future with Mr. Mom. If he was unable to bend on something like this, what was he going to be like when life changing episodes started happening?

Know your dating dealbreakers. Be prepared to compromise, but be prepared to walk away if the person you’re thinking of spending some quality time with, isn’t prepared to compromise for you. When you love someone, you give a little and you take a little. That’s what makes it a partnership.

About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to What’s a Dating Dealbreaker?

  1. Trapped Ape says:

    Dear SND, I’d like to encourage you to reconsider, based on your own expressed interest in the need to compromise. Sure, he’s not compromising, but neither are you really. In fact, a “dealbreaker” is by definition uncompromising. I’m not saying it’s not ok to have dealbreakers, but gosh, it’s just one night a week, and he may still come around. I’d take 6 out of 7 days any day of the week–well, most days of the week anyway. 🙂

    Seems like real commitment requires real compromise. Karaoke isn’t a character issue but a matter of preferences. It’s okay to disparage Karaoke, accordions, and banjos occasionally when you’re not speaking carefully, and don’t know it might be a faux pas. Dealbreakers are when you find out that there’s some fundamental incompatibilities in sex preferences, religion, character, or philosophy. And personality, though that’s harder to evaluate.

    At least give both of yourselves some time to think about it.

    Good luck to you. I’ve been enjoying your posts.


    • singlenotdesperate says:

      Hi Trapped Ape! There was much more wrong here than what I posted about. In fact, he was also one of the guys whose profile description started to unravel once he started talking. And I could see that down the road we would have issues with control. Don’t get me wrong. I have control issues too, but I’m working on changing that about me. This guy was never going to admit he had any problems. Thanks for stopping by and rooting for me! I know there’s someone out there just for me and hopefully when I find him we can all celebrate 🙂


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  4. Natalie says:

    It seems silly that we have to list things like: have transportation, have a job, have a place to live(that’s not paid for by your parents), as deal breakers. It always seemed like common sense that as an adult you would be able to take care of yourself.

    I think trapped Ape has missed the point entirely. It starts with Karaoke, but in discussing it you realize something much more than how he feels about singing in a bar. If Mr. Mom isn’t willing to show up to a bar and have a good time with you just because of some preconceived notions about karaoke singers, then he just doesn’t like you enough. He’s not interested in a relationship with you enough, even at an early stage, to simply show up.

    I admire you for sticking to your deal breaker. I usually have the guy commit one, but I go out with him again because I’m too big a wuss to turn him down.


  5. Pingback: Dating Someone’s Ex | Madeline Scribes

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