by Madeline Laughs

I hear you’ve been telling lies about me again.

So? Can I help it if everybody hates you?

You see, that’s not even true. Generalizations like that are wishful thinking on your part. You aren’t even rational.

I tell you what I wish. I wish you were dead.

Well, we’re all dying, but I’m pretty sure I’ll outlive you.

Oh yeah! How do you figure that? 

Because I don’t carry around an agenda in my heart. I’m not nursing a vendetta.

Oh no, you’re a real saint. You never do anything wrong.

I’ll tell you what I don’t do.

What’s that?

I don’t talk about you.

That’s because you have nothing to say about me!

That’s not true. You’ve given me plenty to say about you by virtue of running your mouth about me. The difference is that I have no desire to talk about you and you go out of your way to talk about me.

I’m just warning my friends about you.

These people aren’t your friends.

Yes they are!

No, they aren’t. The people that listen to you, nod their heads and try to change the subject, think you’re an asshat for gossiping. But do you realize that the  people that listen to your bullshit and then happily agree with you are the same people that will say the same ugly crap about you when you aren’t around? They don’t like you.

That’s not true!

Yes, unfortunately it is true.

What did they say about me?

Okay, here’s where I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson.

What?

I can’t tell you what they said about you, because I stopped listening once they started talking about you. And if you truly believed they were your friends, you wouldn’t have to ask me what they said about you.

Bullshit! They never said anything!

You are seriously twisted. Why is it so important for you to constantly insinuate yourself into my life?

I’m not doing that! I’m trying to get you out of my life!

By constantly talking about me?

No, by warning people about you.

Look warning someone is letting them know your own experience with a person. For instance, “watch out for this guy because he mooched my family for four months and he’s not a nice person”.  What you’re doing is just pure meanness. You’re reciting whatever you’ve heard and none of it is true. You don’t even have the balls to say any of it to my face, do you? Why are you so afraid of me?

I’m not!

Why do you envy my life so much?

I don’t!

Why are you such a coward?

I just am. It’s easier to talk about you behind your back. I hate you because your life is perfect. You have everything you want. People love you. You don’t have to beg someone to want you. You have a good life. I don’t want other people to know how good you are so I make up lies about you to tell them. That way maybe they won’t give you a chance. That way maybe they’ll like me better. It makes me feel superior. It makes me feel like I’m a better person than you are. I don’t know. I can’t help it. I’m not happy, so I want everyone else to be unhappy, but I especially want you to be unhappy.

Do you feel better now?

Yes, I really do.

Great. I’m glad I could help you with this. I’d like to see you turn over a new leaf and start acting like an adult. Gossip is never a good idea.

So what did they say about me?

I’m not doing this with you.

Oh, come on!

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