by Madeline Laughs
What does evasive mean? Evasive is a behavior demonstrated when someone has something to hide. It’s a way for people to avoid commitment and self revelation. In other words, it’s a way for them to check out and lose nothing. I have to admit, being straightforward and direct, evasive people drive me wonky. I have tried to understand them, but now I see it as what it truly is, a waste of my time and theirs. Evasive people are some of the best liars in the world. And you can bet they have something big that they’re hiding.
There are people that deal with life’s unexpected turns and curves by avoiding the things that frighten them. There is nothing wrong with that. I do it myself. However if someone is pointedly asking me what the problem is, I do my best to give them an answer. To avoid connecting with someone on a level that both of you can understand, is passive and fruitless. Living life in a passive state is not living at all.
So how do you deal with the passive, evasive people in your realm without generally cutting them out completely? Gee, you could be asking the wrong person. I generally cut them out completely or reserve very little time for them to make up their minds to trust me. I’ve met people that would have me believe all kinds of stories about why they can’t be honest, but to me it has never been worth it. If they don’t trust me, then why should I trust them? If their secret is so unwholesome that they can’t share it, then why do I want to expose myself to it?
Passivity is like watching paint dry. Take a stand and make it an honest one. Don’t let the world roll over you so much that you can no longer be yourself for fear of offending someone. It’s your life! Regain control of it.
Understanding where this behavior lives is important. People go through stacks of trauma as they age and this creates pockets within them that drop all kinds of little lovelies at your feet once you get to know them better. Don’t sit there and act like you don’t have pockets of your own, because you surely do and they’re dropping crap everywhere too. Deep inside of some of those pockets, along with dryer lint and the forgotten stick of gum, lives the insecurity of dealing with the unknown. Rather than reach out and grab life by the balls, some people will choose to button down that pocket.
I don’t know why, I just know it happens.
There has to be an achievable balance if people with secrets intend to be social. Eventually they’ll have to come clean with their peers. Unfortunately, this is not always a goal realized and the persuasive evasive will eventually move on to a new group and start all over again.
I wish I had an answer for this one, but I don’t. I can tell you how I deal with it though. I recite one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes; Once someone shows me who they really are, I believe them the first time. If there is a lack of trust so deep that I can not bridge the void by being honest and giving of myself, then they will just have to stay on their side of the river.
Life is short. Spend it with people that aren’t afraid to trust you.
- The textbook evasion tactics by mobster “Whitey” Bulger (todays411.wordpress.com)