Nasty Break up? Or just not communicating?

Therapeutic Art from 2001

Therapeutic Art from 2001 (Photo credit: MetalRiot)

by Madeline Laughs

When couples break up there is always a patina of ugly surrounding the process. The separation of belongings, the separation of residence and the separation of minds. Rules get rewritten and games get played, but in the end it is still a break up, no matter how much we try to candy coat the conclusion. Keep in mind that not all break ups are nasty, but the only kind I’m going to talk about today are the nasty ones.

I get calls from my single friends undergoing this awful upset in their relationship status. The question that looms heavily is always “Am I doing the right thing? Am I being a bitch?”    

My answer is always the same and that is whatever feels right to you at the time has to hold some merit and you should trust your instincts. Instinct is what will get you through this life. Unless your first instinct is to bash your ex-lover’s car with a bat and then continue on to his head, trust yourself enough to know what is right for you and then proceed.

In a break up there is no such thing as being a bitch. It is what it is and there are no hard and fast rules about how you’re being perceived by onlookers. Do you really care if you’re being a bitch, or not? I know that anytime I have ever been faced with a nasty break up I have always tried to remember why I loved the person in the beginning. If you can conduct the agenda with love, then you can walk away with some dignity.

A nasty break up usually happens when nasty things have occurred. Lying, cheating and not living up to your end of the commitment all play a part in the nastiness of leaving. This is where folks get fuzzy about how to behave.

Am I being a bitch for not letting him move his stuff out while I’m at work? I want to be there so he doesn’t trash my house or steal my belongings and he insists he just wants to get his stuff out and get it over with! Am I being a bitch for not letting him have the new key?

The answer here is NO, you are not being a bitch. What seems to be forgotten at times like this is that the “relationship” is over and it ended due to a lack of trust, no matter what the details are. Being the keeper of the key does not mean you get to be a control freak, but it does give you the right to pick the schedule and it will always be at your convenience. Remembering that the two of you once loved each other is good to keep in mind when you make that call back to say “These are the times I’ll be available to give you access TO MY HOME. I do not feel comfortable letting you be there without being present. I hope you can understand my feelings and respect them.

Unless your ex-partner is a real dick, this kind of approach should get the message across that while you may have engaged in coitus for however long it lasted, the trust and intimacy you once had is now kaput.

I agree that even after a nasty break up a friendship could be in the future for the two of you, however until you are completely separate, the friendship will not be a strong one.

On rare occasions there are couples that break up just to make up. The honeymoon glow of the make up seems to be what they like most about being with each other. To each his own. This is a relationship that will continue to torture the ones in it and the ones they run to every single time there’s a falling out. The level of trust here is at it’s lowest point because not only is there no trust in the partnership, but eventually the yo-yo partners will stop trusting their friends too.

You like to support your friends when their heart is broken and you end up choosing sides even if you try your best not to. My advice is that once you see this pattern manifest the first time, know your place the next time and merely offer support without offering clear cut, one-sided advice. Don’t become the third party in an already deadly duo. Like that old Stylistics song says;

Break up to make up that’s all we do
First you love me then you hate me
That’s a game for fools

When I come home from workin’, you’re on the phone
Talkin’ about how bad I treat you, now tell me I’m wrong
You say it’s me who argues, I’ll say it’s you
We have got to get together or baby, we’re through

A relationship of any sort is based on trust. Once trust is compromised it will take a lot of understanding and love to get back to where you once were. If a nasty break up happens always remember that you are the only person that can control how you behave and how you perceive what’s going on. It feels good to have friends that will commiserate and listen to you, but they are not the ones making life altering decisions regarding your partnership, you are.

Deep down, you are the only person that knows what you need and want from intimacy and it’s up to you to seek out the right person that is willing give you that in return for what they are looking for in a mate too. Being honest about your expectations is the first step to longevity in any partnership.

It’s magic when it all comes together. It takes determination and personal growth to keep it that way. The blush of new love can exist for the rest of your union. All you have to do is be present and open enough to let it happen.

About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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