by Madeline Laughs
I was talking with one of my single girlfriends the other day and she told me a story about one of her latest adventures in dating. She said she decided not to wait on the guys to ask her out anymore.
“Guys do this all the time! They ask girls out. I figured if they can do it, so can I! Well, let me tell you…it’s not as easy as they make it look.”
She had been working with this guy for about a year and they had a nice easygoing friendship. She liked him and wondered what it would be like to get to know him a lot better than just as a friend.
So she decided to just ask him out.
She worked on how she would go about doing this with one of her girlfriends. “What do I say if he says this? How should I ask? Should I just be casual, or should I make it sound more formal?” Once she felt like she was ready to jump in the deep end, she just went for it.
It wasn’t a busy night in the market and John was working behind the meat counter, like he did every night. Teri had been watching him out of the corner of her eye since she clocked in. Finally she had worked up her nerve to walk over and strike up a conversation with him.
She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket to get that one last boost of confidence before heading over. She typed her message on her keypad and hit Send.
Teri: Okay. I’m going to ask him now.
She waited until her phone dinged signalling a response from Susan before taking the plunge into liberated womanhood.
Susan: You go girl! I know he’s going to say yes!
Susan told me that in the numerous conversations she and Teri had about John, her strong impression of him was that he sounded like a total douchebag. “But you know, Teri is my friend and you’re supposed to be on your friend’s side and show support, so I decided not to say anything about how I felt. Who knows? I could be wrong!”
Teri walked with purpose right up to the meat counter.
“Hi John! How’s your day going?”
John smiled and told her his day was going as expected and asked about her day.
“Oh my day is going great so far. You seem to always be working. Do they ever give you a night off?”
“Yeah I get Wednesdays off usually” he replied.
This was her opening. She sucked in a deep breath.
“I’m off on Wednesday too. Would you like to go have a drink with me this Wednesday night?”
John looked up in surprise. Then he quickly turned to face the meat cooler behind him so he could compose himself. After a few seconds he decided he had himself together enough to respond and he turned to face her.
What Teri saw made her want to vomit right there on the spot!
John’s usually happy-go-lucky face was set in a psycho inspired grimace that was supposed to be a smile. His lips were pulled so tightly up and away from his teeth that they looked like they had been surgically removed.
Then he spoke…
His face stayed frozen in the perma-psycho-grin and he stood there looking at her waiting for her to accept his refusal and go away.
Teri was rooted to the spot in shock. In her head she was screaming “Omigod! Omigod! He said NO!” but she forced herself to smile instead. She was trying for a normal smile, but she was sure her face vaguely resembled his face at this awkward moment so she said “Okay” and then bounced away down one of the closest aisles so he wouldn’t see the tears that vehemently burned the backs of her eyelids.
Breathing hard and trying to compose herself, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and typed a message to Susan.
Teri: Asked him. He said NO.
Susan: Uh-oh…I’m calling you right now!
Teri: Don’t call. Still really fresh. Will call you later with details.
Teri put the phone back in her pocket just as a co-worker rounded the corner.
“Hey. You okay? You look upset about something.”
Teri could just imagine that her eyes were bloodshot and her face was probably beet red too. She shrugged off her co-worker’s concern and told her it was just her allergies and she would be fine. Then she walked across the store to the ladies room so she could have a good cry before going back to work.
How do men do it? How do they keep asking women out on dates? Do they even bother with all of the preparation? Is there even the fear of rejection?
How do they do it without totally losing their minds?
What if a woman rejects their invitation with the same rudeness as John? Does a man head for the ladies room to have a good cry? Or do they just shrug it off and ask the next woman they see for a date, like it was no big deal?
“A question I hear more than any other is whether or not women can ask a guy out. For many of us, the answer is an emphatic: Hell no.”
I’m going to have to agree with that sentiment because for as long as I can remember, women asking men out is taboo. But who is to say those rules can’t be changed?
The article goes on to say:
“How do men feel about being asked out?
Well, dating expert Evan Marc Katz, who on his website pegs himself as a “personal trainer for women who want to fall in love,” disagrees with women taking charge in procuring dates.
To the question, “Should women ask men out on dates?” Katz responded no. He warned that women could come across as “aggressive, desperate, and masculine.” Rather, he encourages women to use their “feminine wiles to get men to ask them out.” For example, at a party, women should stand in their potential suitor’s eye line and offer a come hither smile when eye contact is made.
Like Lawrence O’Donnell, does Katz get the last word? Hell no.”
The author of this article doesn’t agree with Katz at all! I don’t blame her. I haven’t given a “come hither” look since I could ride a teeter totter.
“At the end of the day, it comes down to your own personal preference.
If you are the type of person who can handle romantic rejection, then you can and should ask out whomever you want. Not to say that you will be absolutely rejected—but, there is a chance that you will hear a “nope”, a “sorry”, or a “not interested.”
The fear of hearing these vetoes has basically been the burden of men for generations. Lots of guys have learned to brush it off—so it’s not like one rejection will leave permanent emotional scarring.
Or will it? My rejection from a certain Ivy League school still plagues me a decade later. Which is why I don’t like to put myself in those kinds of scenarios. Again, it’s my preference.
Similarly, if you are the type of woman who wants to be traditionally wooed, then don’t ask a guy out. This is the type of person I am. I don’t want a guy to know that I have feelings for him until he makes it obvious that he has feelings for me. It has less to do with being coy than it has to do with being vulnerable. Chet Baker‘s song, “I fall in love too easily” is basically written for me—so it is emotionally safer for me to wait to be asked. Then, I don’t have to worry whether or not it’s a pity date, he doesn’t “like me”, etc.
However, if you don’t care about traditional mating rituals or standard rules of dating (and plenty of people don’t), then you can and should ask out whomever you want. After all, waiting is not all that fun, especially for impatient folks who have places to go and people to see.
What you shouldn’t let affect your decision-making is what other people deem “right” or “wrong.”
I agree with this line of thinking completely.
“Individuals should be able to make their own decisions, based on what they feel is right for them.
This is your life—you get to make the choices.
If your gut tells you that a guy is interested, but really shy, then follow your intuition. Each potential date is different—so while you may feel comfortable about asking Jim out, you may not feel the same way for Mike.
What does comfortable mean, exactly? Typically, it means you are relatively certain his answer is going to be “yes”.
If you’re the type of person to jump off a roof after you’ve been rejected, then don’t ask anyone out. Why put yourself in a situation that’s likely to hurt you?
Asking a guy out is not so much about the answer that he gives you, but more about how you are going to feel, given that answer. You can and should put your heart and your welfare first.
After all, is there anyone more important than you?
Should my single girlfriend be asking guys out if it brings her to tears every time the guy says no?
After a few brush-offs under her belt those tearful times will become less and less frequent. Just because she’s a woman, it doesn’t mean she can’t adapt to a man’s way of handling romantic rejection.
Besides, my single girlfriend is adorably cute and a guy should be so lucky to get asked out by her! My friend Susan’s intuition was right…John is a douchebag.
*the names in this story, as it is always, have been changed to protect the innocent…and the douchebags.*
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