by Madeline Laughs
The past two weeks I’ve been writing about a personal situation. It’s one that involves a person I mistakenly thought of as family. I say mistaken because I found out that I am the main topic of conversation, and not in a good way either. She has had some nasty conversations where, most recently, I was referred to as a farm animal.
To say I was hurt to learn this, doesn’t even come close to how painful it really was.
But I am expected to stand up straight and brush it off. I am expected to forget about it and move on. Smile like it never happened. Laugh with them, like it will never happen again.
I am supposed to pretend that they “love” me.
Where is it written that it’s fine to sit around and defame someone simply because the person will not conform to their demands? I refuse to be a go-between for two women that have hated each other long before I came into the picture. I refuse to allow them to squat over me every time she feels the need to take a shit.
This quote resonated with me.
“If you ordered at McDonald’s they would ask, “Would you like that super-sized?”
If you say yes, you get a lot more.
Emotional pain is similar.
Life’s usual challenges, losses, and predicaments are difficult enough, but we super-size them by excessive worrying, and indulging in negative thinking.
When a difficult situation arises, make sure not to super-size it!”
~from The Happiness Solution on Facebook
When this whole mess started a year ago, I stayed quiet. I wasn’t interested in supersizing any of it because it wasn’t worth my time and aggravation to supersize it. I didn’t let it into my daily life. I cut off all contact with the daughter and that suited me just fine. I was relieved to not have to deal with her.
She started making waves again and she took her sob-story public and behaved in the most embarrassing and dramatic ways. I asked her to stop.
The holidays have been difficult for many years because of the fragile relationship she has with her mother. There are demands and ultimatums. There is stress and jealousy. Christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays and between the two of them, it has been completely trashed. There are so many festive occasions that I no longer look forward to with the joy I once had. So much sits in the ruins left in the wake of their desperate attempts to make some kind of connection with each other.
I am tired of being quiet.
Speaking with each of them you always hear “I love her, BUT…” The word love means nothing when it’s followed by the word but. The love between a mother and daughter is unconditional. There is no but.
The real truth is the mother has no inclination to show her love for her daughter and recently the only way the two of them could figure out how to be united was in the daughter’s hatred for me.
I know it’s all hers, because I know the mother loves me.
Of that, I have absolutely no doubt.
But the mother will have to figure out a way to forge a relationship with her own daughter now. I am no longer available to mediate this sad and unfortunate relationship between two people that have forgotten how tenuous and brief life can be.
I wrote a post a while back entitled Dealing with Bitter People. This is an excerpt from that article:
Essentially, you’re dealing with someone that has made you their object of obsession. They have loved you so much that now they hate you for it. They hate you for their disappointment, their shortcomings, and their own loneliness. They want to hurt you as much as they hurt themselves.
The problem is whether, or not, you even care. Oftentimes the object or target of bitterness has moved on in their life and past this bitter person for a reason. No amount of jabs and pokes will ever reach them because they’re beyond being affected anymore. But if you have a bitter, angry person in your life making waves, there are ways and means for you to protect yourself from their wrath.
The first thing you have to realize is this person is in a great deal of pain. It’s pain the voices in their own heads inflict on them. They have no idea how to deal with it, or take ownership of it, except to blame it on someone else. It’s a sign of entitled immaturity or malignant narcissism;
“YOU MUST LOVE ME BECAUSE I AM ENTITLED!!!”
In reality, no one is entitled to your love or your attention. Those gifts are to be given freely and without restrictions, and only to the people you wish to share them with.
No one is entitled to love.
That’s the truth of this situation too. No one is entitled to my love. They aren’t entitled to my respect now either since they have made it a point to defame me. What they have done is not a joke and it is not something I can just brush off and smile like it never happened. It happened and it can’t be undone.
For the last four years the two of them have stolen so much happiness from me with their petty bickering and issues with one another. They have stolen precious moments of my life that I can never get back and they seem intent on stealing more. I am closing my heart to their hatred. They can not have another second of me.
I am still making more room on the stage of my own life for the fabulous people to stand. I have only myself to be responsible for and unless I take care of myself, I can’t take care of the people that are still very important to me.
I know who they are.
Without a doubt, I know them.