by Madeline Laughs
He had to be looking at one of the ugliest women he had ever seen in his life. AND she was black! He had never seen a face so big and so round and so shiny. Her skin glimmered underneath a scarf she had tied around her hair in sort of a turban with a big knot in the front. Just like Aunt Jemiama on the maple syrup bottle, he thought. Only this woman’s head scarf was colorful and looked like flowers on her big head.
She was wearing a silky looking, mint colored robe with lace trim, which was closed up tight and her shoulders were almost as wide as the screen on his computer monitor. She was still smiling at him and her big grin showed a gold capped front tooth, and a gap where another tooth was missing.
“Lawd tahday chile!” she screeched in that rough low growl she had. “You think maybe you coulda shaw-wahed and comb out yo hair bahfoe you get all up on here?” She chuckled and her whole body shook with the sound. Then one of her hands filled the screen and she was pointing at him and laughing some more.
Her hand! It was ginormous! Her fingernails were painted dark red and filed to points and Barney swore they were so big he could have eaten dinner off one of them.
God! This woman could probably crush him!
“I sees you already stah-ted widout mes!” the large, dark, laughing face was saying to him while the gigantic fingernail pointed through cyberspace at his penis.
Barney looked down. There it was. His raging hard on had made an appearance the minute it heard the PING! His brain was no where close to feeling what his penis was now demanding. He was paralyzed with confusion. He couldn’t even speak.
He had always been the first one in his little group of guys back home to try something and he could remember the first time he bragged that he had slept with a black girl. He paraded that story around for months, until everyone got tired of listening to him. Oh he hadn’t really slept with her, but he did take her out for a burger.
He had also tried to kiss her, but she had pushed him away. He remembered taking her home, breaking the speed limit to get her there and hoping no one saw them together. He was angry and berated her all the way to her house on the other side of town. He used the “N” word so many times that by the time they arrived there, saying the word felt almost natural to him.
She was sobbing uncontrollably when he reached across her lap and forcefully opened her door from the inside. Then without warning, he pushed her so hard she fell sideways out of the car and into the dirt driveway. He grabbed the handle and pulled the door shut with a slam and jammed the car into reverse. As he turned the steering wheel to pull out he looked in his mirror and saw that she was still laying in the dirt crying. Ha! he thought. Then he slammed the car into drive he peeled out, covering her in more dust. His tires made a screeching sound as the car hit pavement and he left burnt rubber tracks at the end of her driveway.
A few days later he got his butt beat by her two brothers when they made it clear he was to stay away from her from now on.
He didn’t brag to anyone about that part.
In reality, the only conversations he had ever had with black people were online. Even then he still felt superior to them. He liked to bring up the Klan every time he came in contact with a group of them, just so he could watch them squirm. He would join them online in the meetup groups and sit in conversations agreeing with whatever they said, but whenever he could he would slide in a thinly veiled racist comment. He loved getting everyone all stirred up and that usually got him thrown out of the group too.
Secretly, he’d be a Klan member if he could. He didn’t really care much for those people. Barney was a dyed in the wool racist, though he would never admit that fact to anyone, except maybe another racist.
Anytime anyone even hinted that he might be a racist he would bring up the fact that he had dated a black girl. That usually shut them right up.
Now here he was, nekkid as a jaybird with a stiffy, and a black woman was asking him to have some sexy-talk with her. How in the world was he going to muster up his famous chat candy with this beastly looking woman?
Barney cleared his throat and attempted something close to talking, “Hay there.” He had a death grip on his whiskey bottle and decided a big gulp would be a good idea right now. Maybe if he was drunk enough this might turn out to be some fun.
“Haaay!” she growled back “Whaz Papa Bear got in store for dis here hunny pot tah-nite? Wass you like Papa?” The large eyebrows over the huge dark brown eyes raised in a questioning look and the face waited for Barney to set the pace for the chat.
She leaned back in her chair and Barney could see more than just her face and her shoulders. He squinted his eyes and leaned closer to his monitor. Was he imagining things? The lap of the woman’s robe was pulled tight and what appeared to be an erection was standing at attention! He leaned a little closer to the screen, staring at the mysterious bulge in the woman’s lap. “You likes wat you seein’ baaaaa-bee?” Then with one fluid motion she whisked the tie loose that was holding the flimsy material closed and revealed her body.
Barney jumped up in shock!
“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!” he screamed! “You’re a fuckin’ dude!”
He threw up his arms to hide his eyes and cheap whiskey spilled all over him with most of it landing right smack dab on the purple, blood filled erection he couldn’t make go away. This caused the smoldering love lust in his loins to quickly become a raging inferno and he screamed bloody murder as he reached down to grab his penis while doing a dance that closely resembled the Peepee Dance he did as a child.
While Barney was jumping around in place, knocking over everything in his path, he was holding onto his penis, which felt like a torch of fire. The large black transsexual started dancing around on his screen now too. “Dat’s right daaaaa-dee bear! Dat’s right! Grab that lil ol pecker of yourns and let’s get this pah-tee stah-did!”