When you are in recovery after a particularly horrendous few rounds with a narcissist, especially one that is malignant, you start to hear the:
“Okay, now you need to just get over this, stop talking about it and move on”
Really? Is that all I need to do?
Just get over it?
Just stop talking about it?
Just move on?
And if I follow those instructions then I’ll be all better? Is that it? Will that help me be a better person? You know, being quiet about it and all? That’s what works?
Don’t you think I should pay close attention to what just happened? Explore it and try to own my part in it? Don’t you think it’s a good idea for me to share my experience with others that might be going through the same thing? Maybe they might leave an impossible situation of their own because they see from my example that it’s possible? Maybe they can start their own process of recovery with my help?
Don’t you think?
Are you even thinking about me?
Or are you just thinking about yourself?
The Move On’ers need to understand that sticking our heads in the sand was what got us here in the first place. Moving on without truly healing is what made us vulnerable to be attacked again and again and again. Moving On is only an option when we take what we have learned with us and we share our truth with as many people as possible.
I WILL NO LONGER BE QUIET AND JUST MOVE ON.
I was speaking with a friend about my own feelings of becoming just like the person that hurt me. I found myself responding to another friend in a similar way that I had once been subjected to; in a quiet, but devastating way to hurt someone else I care about by making them feel guilt.
It scared the living shit out of me.
When I caught myself doing it I nearly vomited. What the hell was happening to me? Was I becoming someone loathsome? I had always accepted my friends for who they are, but here I was trying to manipulate someone. Just because I could do it…and that must be how a narcissist feels all the time, except without the guilt. It’s a horrifying realization.
As I was sharing this epiphany to my other friend, she laughed. I asked her what she was thinking and she told me “I just love that you can share your own truth so easily. It gives me hope that one day I won’t be afraid anymore and I can share mine.”
That’s what society has done to us.
It has shut us up.
It has called us crazy and we believed it.
I have been called crazy so many times simply because I shared my truth.
I shared what really happened and could back it up with electronic communications once a long while back, and I was called a “psycho bitch”. And yet, everything I was sharing was right there in undeniable black and white. I was telling the truth, and even the people that had to believe me, still sided with the ones desperately trying to discredit me. I now know that this must have seemed like the safest thing to do. Why would anyone want that kind of venom injected into them for my sake? To show support for me was to turn the evil in their direction.
This happens all the time.
I even had someone leave a comment on one of my posts telling me to shut up with my psycho babble because I was calling out one of his friends. He wasn’t interested in reading the whole story. He didn’t care. He was only interested in silencing me because the truth is not something these people want known. They want to continue with their cycles of abuse and if more people get wise to their tactics, well then they’ll run out of victims eventually and have to start consuming each other.
Why don’t they just start doing that? Consume their own and leave the rest of us alone!
May the best narcissist win!
It is not just my responsibility to speak up, it’s everyone’s responsibility. You have the responsibility to NOT remain silent and I strongly suggest you start using it. People who keep quiet because it’s socially acceptable turn all of that hatred inward and slowly wither and die…quietly. That’s just wrong.
You don’t have to be bitter and hateful to share your truth. You just have to be willing to share it.
I’m not bitter at all about what has happened to me. I feel empowered! Grateful and enlightened. There are days when I regret the time I wasted, but it has led me to this place of strength I’m in now and that is awesome! If someone wants to label me “crazy”, then I dare them to do it with any kind of credibility. Now that I know what they are, I dare them.
I refuse to give them that kind of power over me again.
Raise your hands in recovery and shout!
“You are a malignant narcissist and you no longer control my world! You are the one that sounds crazy now. You are the one that needs to get over yourself, stop trying to manipulate me and move on!”
Now that you’ve pushed those shoulders back and pulled the hair out of your face, now that you’re on your feet again and smiling, let’s get to work building the next chapter of our lives! What’s the first room in our new house we need to furnish? Boundaries! We need some strong and healthy personal boundaries!