the Boys of Bess

When I first met Bess she was a study in the female persuasion. Tiny with a head full of curls and a smile that was as wide as the sunshine, she always casually linked her arm through mine and skipped when we were out shopping or just walking to the car. The first time she did this, I confess it made me very uncomfortable, but as I got to know her, it seemed completely natural to skip along beside her.

The boys in Bess’s life were many, but the loves were few.  

It wasn’t that Bess was a maneater. She was the polar opposite. She just loved to be in love, and lust and everything in between the sheets.

The first man she introduced me to was old enough to be her dad.

Omigod Bess! The guy is super OLD!

I know, but I like him.

One day she told me that she was going to stop wearing deodorant. Older Guy liked to lick her armpits and had complained about the alkaline taste of her antiperspirant. This lasted only a few days before Bess was more disgusted with her own sweaty smell than she was interested in having her armpits licked.

Bess decided she would start dating band members.

Her first band member choice was a guy in a group called The Pedestrians. I’m not going to tell you which one he was, but I think now is a great time for another musical interlude.

She would drag me to the local pub the nights the band played. She would wait anxiously for them to start their first set and then tear off to the dance floor. I would watch her from the upstairs rafters as she perfected that 80’s dance everyone was doing with the kick to the front and jerking her head to the side. I make it sound absolutely horrid, but Bess was quite an accomplished mover on the dance floor. She was such a good dancer that she really required no partner at all and would swing and bounce in front of the stage until the band stopped playing for the night.

I swear I don’t know where she got the energy.

It wasn’t long before her love affair with the lone Ped took a tragic turn into a love affair gone after school special. She announced she would be taking a road trip to meet the musical parents of her band love.

No one could talk her out of it!

She loaded up her car and counted her gas money and set off on her journey. I don’t remember many of the details of the trip once she limped back home, except she did meet the parents and they adored her.

How could they not adore her?!

She was adorable!

But her musician was playing a different tune and sent Bess back home packing a broken heart.

Not to be deterred by one failed romance, Bess moved on to her next musician. I think he played drums and had an unusual name. Maybe it was Boner? I can’t remember. But I do remember that he lived with his parents right down the street from the house we rented together and she spent many nights there before throwing his drum sticks to the crowd.

Her next musician was a lead singer! Long blonde locks and a habit of vomiting  all over our house after a party. Everyone loved this singer, but Bess was not amused after a few mornings spent wearing Playtex rubber gloves, cleaning up after his drunk puppy shenanigans.

It was time to date someone more mature, who had a steady job.

In walks the guy from across the street, Eddie. I swear if there was ever a profile for a serial killer, it would describe this dude to a tee. But he worked steadily and paid his bills on time.

Alas the mature was not what she was looking for either and the romance was soon written a pretty in pink slip and Bess moved on and away from anything steady.

Then she dated the screamer.

Our other roommate at the time remarked to me one morning that Bess must have hit the jackpot the night before. Both of us had wandered to the shared hallway when the moans had reached a fevered pitch and giggled wildly outside her closed bedroom door, hoping it was the wanton sounds of sex we were listening to and not someone trying to kill her.

The Romeo had left early that morning, before any of us had made it down to make coffee. We sat at the bar and smiled when we heard the pitter patter of Bess, headed our way. We couldn’t wait to tease her!

Once we had both made our point, twittering with mirth, that we had eavesdropped on her date, she looked at both of us in disgust and replied…

“That wasn’t me screaming you idiots! It was him! I kept trying to put my hand over his mouth to shut him up!”

We parted ways for a while over a disagreement, but when I caught back up with Bess and renewed our friendship, she had connected with a whole new kind of guy. He was quirky, easy and not interested in having a girlfriend. That was fine with Bess. She became his roommate instead.

Roommate with benefits.

He allowed her to be late with the rent when she had to buy this new dress she couldn’t live without, and he brushed his teeth on the nights they got together for a little carnal touch.

He didn’t even mind when she slept with his best friend.

Bess moved away and after years of dating one after another and never really settling down, she found the man she wanted to marry one day.

It’s been a year now.


I think it’s time he asked me to marry him!

Has he ever expressed his desire to marry you?

Well, no, but he will. He just needs to be coaxed.

How do you plan to do that?

Watch me!

She set about lining his kitchen cabinets with pretty papers. She lined his silverware drawers and bought Stinky Pinkies for his smelly trainers. She washed and ironed and folded his clothes and had dinner waiting on the table for him every night. She seduced him with her grandmother’s pasta sauce recipes and introduced him to her family. She shopped for gifts to give his mother, his sisters and his father and she did it all with one thing on her mind.

A marriage proposal.

After months of cajoling and threats, he told her he didn’t love her anymore.

Once again Bess became the roommate with a broken heart. Except this time she didn’t feel like jumping right back into the dating market. She was tired and close to giving up on love entirely.

What a devastating blow to mankind that our Bess should ever give up on love!

We had parted again not long after this final blow to her love life. I had moved far away and was immersed in my own life and lost track of the many loves of Bess. The last I heard she was happily married with children now. I think this is how it should be. This was what she was searching for the entire time I knew her and I was happy to hear that she finally had it.

Bess found a forever love.

There is hope for anyone out there searching for this elusive animal. Love is out there and I believe there is someone for everyone to love. Bess taught me that. She taught me that there is something about each of us that is lovable and no one was more experienced at loving people than she was.

About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to the Boys of Bess

  1. I enjoyed reading this – a good piece.


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