Over the last few years I have embarked on a mission to inhabit myself. I know that sounds odd, but I believe so many people out there live on the outside so much more than they ever try to live on the inside. Perhaps if more people attempted to inhabit themselves, there would less aggravation in the world.
Part of inhabiting myself was setting some new and stronger personal boundaries. This has caused an avalanche of calamities and extrications.
I am the one that wants to nest within and I’m not interested in being available as a receptacle any longer. I’m not available to stroke the egos, to listen to the same problems time and again from the same person, to pay for things, and to give and to give and to give and to give…until I am either completely empty, or completely filled with garbage that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I am a strong personality and often I get into situations where people come from a place of fear, almost like I am a threat to who they are and what they do. I never ask for that, in fact, I try to avoid it as much as possible. These days it seems to almost be vogue to want to tear someone down, just because you perceive them as stronger than you might be.
I have never been a controlling person, especially since I learned a long time ago that the only person I can authentically control….is myself. So I don’t bother trying to control anyone else anymore.
I ask for what I want.
I express my needs in a caring way and if I am met with hostility, then I move on. I’m growing tired of the self serving and narcissistic behavior I see all around me now on a daily basis. It’s destructive and violent in nature and the people that perpetuate it are toxic individuals that should seek professional counseling.
I am not a receptacle for anyone’s negativity, insecurities, excessive neediness or ego. I am a caring and loving individual, whose sole purpose in this lifetime has been to help and comfort as many as I am humanly possible of touching and still have my own life too.
Those that have taken advantage and then taken it upon themselves to openly attack me when I stopped DOING for them, providing for them, listening to them complain, disparage, condemn and generally add nothing at all of any substance to my own well being and peace of mind, are devoid of any soul that I know of. I have met them all and all of them have smeared my good name when I closed and locked the lid to this receptacle I call my heart.
To see me as someone deserving of this wrath, is an injustice to all that makes us civilized.
To think I could ever retaliate against them with the same vengeful lust in my heart, is to say you have never known me at all. If I were to ever strike back, as I have wanted to on so many occasions, trust me, I would destroy them. I would obliterate them down to mere bones and not even break a sweat. It is the small minded and the weak at heart that seek to gather validation by inciting a riot of fools to shake their fists in the air because someone dared to stop doing…to stop doing, to become unavailable, to close the lid, lock it up and hide the key so that no more can take advantage, no more can use and abuse and no more can fill me up with their wasteland of emotions and petty demands.
I have struggled with my own personal boundaries. I struggle with them everyday because it is so much easier to just throw in the towel and allow the trolls to take over. But this is the rest of my life I am considering and I don’t have the time to put up with being treated like a bottomless pit of empathy.
I wonder what gives them the right? Who gave them permission to treat me so badly and to speak to me with disrespect? Then I remember that I gave them permission. Long ago, I invited them in. I listened to them. I gave all I had. I allowed it to happen. I gave birth to the petulant spoiled child that now sits in the spilled milk and pouts because the cow has run dry. You were my friend and now you aren’t and I hate you for that! It’s always the same story and the same set of reactions. It’s always “I never liked her anyways!” It’s always the hurled insults, the reminders of why I’m not worthy and the reasons they have the right to stand on their soapbox and scream like the town crier that I am a horrible person because I stopped being a receptacle.
Do they stop, even for a moment, and listen to how insane they sound? If they hate me now because I have vacated the premises, then perhaps they never cherished even a moment of the time they spent as my friend. Is that even possible?
What is most disheartening of all these days is that I wonder how many people actually see me.
Do you SEE ME?
When you look at me, what do you see?
When you read my words, what do you understand?
Do you see me?
- 2 things (madelinescribes.wordpress.com)
- Oh man….a spoiled child… (truthtellingshrink.wordpress.com)
- Day 028 – The Town Crier (hkaubeblog.wordpress.com)
- How Big Is Your Mouth? Maybe You Could Be a Town Crier… in New Jersey! (fresh1027.cbslocal.com)