I had an interesting conversation with my husband tonight. It was sparked by an exchange on Facebook about someone’s Relationship status. Gleaned from that thread were questions I had never asked my husband, but answers I felt I wanted to hear.

Would you die if it meant saving my life?

Heavy question, huh?

He didn’t even hesitate.

He said no.

My reaction was “Really? Not even if it meant I would live?”

No.

He said that life was all anyone really had and he certainly wouldn’t want anyone to die to save his life either.

I have to admit I’d be hard pressed to answer yes if I were asked the same question. I found myself placing caveats on my answer like “Well, if I couldn’t talk my way out of it…” or “If there wasn’t any MAcGyver magic that could save us then maybe.” Neither of those sound like a resounding YES, do they?

So I guess we’re in agreement there.  Then I took it one step further in my own mind. Would I want to be with someone that would die to save me? You have to realize what that kind of devotion entails. You have to take into consideration what your life will be like with someone like that. I could feel the hair stand up on my arms because that mentality would be almost like obsession.

Do you think of our marriage as a circle surrounded by a wall of history?

At first I thought that description was poetic, but the more I read it the more I could imagine being trapped in this deep well with high walls of the thickest stone. I couldn’t imagine being surrounded by every last second of our history and living life continually in the past of it all. While most of it is happy there are some poignant memories too.

I have always thought he and I live in our marriage quite comfortably. Both of us are here together because we want to be here. We aren’t tied by family or possessions or by guilt.

So I posed this question to my husband and again he didn’t hesitate.

No, he didn’t feel that way at all.

Do you think we’re soul-mates?

Of course you’re thinking he’ll say yes and he did, but you can never assume he’ll answer the way you want him to. Many times I will exclaim that I’m not getting the answers I want to get. When I whine about that he reminds me that we are soul-mates.

I like that.

Do you feel like we settled for each other?

Again, no hesitation...”No”.

I think both of us knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together long before we decided to get married.

We fit.

We don’t always agree, but we always support each other. We don’t always have the same hobbies, but we respect our right to be individuals. When we come together we always have a lot to talk about.

And sometimes it’s nice just to sit in the same room together, look up and smile at each other.

Marriage, like any relationship, needs attention and cultivation. It’s okay to be comfortable with someone. We all need a little comfort. But never be so comfortable that you start taking each other for granted or you think you already know all of their answers to the questions. Sometimes they might surprise you, frustrate you or delight you. It’s all a part of allowing a relationship to continue growing and developing. Without that it will wither and die.

I once knew a couple that bragged that they had never had a fight. They had been together for many years by then. Instead of being impressed, I was silently shocked. The writing was already on the Wall for them and at the moment, one of them was blissfully unaware. This is the definition of a relationship that has never truly engaged. I want a partner that differs with my opinion at times. This trait keeps me stretching and limber in my own mind. It teaches me compromise and acceptance. Without the passion of disagreement, your fire will eventually go out. It’s okay to fight about issues and meet in the middle. Mind you, I’m talking about healthy debate, not coming to blows.

A partner is not a given in this life. Cherish the one in your life that you honor enough to say “I love you” to.

I was sitting in a restaurant recently when it occurred to me that there is one thing about our lives together that has always brought me joy. I tugged my phone from my purse and tapped out a text to him “When we are old, I will still cook for you.” My phone chimed a minute later with “Thank you sweetie. I’ll still eat it!”.

My husband is not only my lover and my roommate, he is also my best friend. If we are ever in a situation where one of us is forced to make the choice of dying for the other, who knows how that might truly end? Whatever the outcome, one of us would be heartbroken.

My hope is the rest of our time here on this earth is peaceful and contented and I am happy to spend whatever time I have in this life with him, my soulmate.

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