Jaloux, mon amour?

A Japanese painting from 1750 shows a young ma...

Image via Wikipedia

by Madeline Laughs

 

When men and women get jealous it opens a whole new can of worms in a relationship. Both genders definitely have unique ways of showing their green-eyed monster, but what exactly is jealousy?

The word started out as French; jalousie. How appropriate they would define a term used constantly to describe a situation rooted firmly in l’amour! The word describes the feeling of resentment for an opponent, or supposed romantic, or otherwise, rival. Green with envy is also a common reference to jealousy.  

Growing up in a house full of pretty boys made me especially aware of how jealousy can ruin a relationship. At a young age I watched the games men and women play in order to get their way with each other and jealousy seemed to play a huge starring role. The arguments and the tears were enormous and frequent. I remember thinking to myself that when I grew up and got married that this would never be how my home life was conducted. I also forged a deep understanding of why this kind of behavior had absolutely no worth because once it reared it’s head, the relationship could be over.

Men are not dolts. Women normally do not behave aggressively in a romantic prelude unless they feel they have permission to do so. In my case, I live with a very diplomatic individual. He’s not a flirt, but he is sensitive and knows how to make a woman feel like he understands her. That can be very seductive without ever being a come-on.

Understanding why it happens and knowing your mate well, alleviates the stress of insecurity. Open communication under these circumstances also works to strengthen your relationship. It’s when people don’t talk to each other and work out guidelines and boundaries, that things can go awry.

Throughout my teen years and into my twenties, my best friend was always a guy. I had some of the best guy-friends a girl could ever ask for! Sometimes they ended in disaster because he would decide to get too close, but mostly I just ended up with a great friend who understood the male condition. Having a lot of brothers might have something to do with the fact that I gravitated towards boys to hang out with, rather than girls. I trusted them more.

The problem was maintaining my friendship with him once he got a girlfriend. Most of the girlfriends never wanted me around. “Um, well she thinks you’re too pretty to just be a friend.” Banish her! I was perplexed. Didn’t she realize that I was in on the decision to handpick her? Didn’t she know that I coached him on where to go for dinner and how to treat her like a lady? If they did, they were very ungrateful. And they had just made their first mistake with him. They exposed their little green monsters and this was the beginning of the end of that boyfriend. Who do you think he’s going to run to at the first hint of dissent? That’s right…me. The best friend. The woman that probably could have banged his bones out of his head years ago if that had been what she was after. (dumbass)

Throughout my life my relationships with some people have been rift with jealousy. Even some friends and family members have rivaled for my exclusivity. I strive to avoid it and if I sense there’s a situation ripe for it, I will steer myself in another direction. I do not enjoy being the object of someone else’s obsession. Getting in the middle of a green threesome is not a comfortable place to be. I have had too many heart breaking events over time for this to ever be attractive to me.

Have I ever been jealous in a romantic setting? Oh yes!

There are several different types of jealousy. Romance has not cornered the market on this emotion. You can be jealous of a colleague’s success, a classmate’s good grades or even if your dog likes your wife more than he likes you.

Feeling jealous is not always a bad thing either. If your base instinct senses a problem, this could be a warning sign that you need to reassess your situation. Heed the signs. Pay attention to what your inner self is trying to tell you.

This pervasive emotion doesn’t build over time, it pounces on you in a flash and suddenly you’re in full blown survival mode. You become fearful, insecure and irrational. Your need to be respected and feel loved goes into overdrive and your reaction to this can be devastating to you and the person you’re projecting it on.

Step back for a moment and check yourself.

Do you love yourself? Will this situation overwhelm you? Does it even have that kind of power over you? I always find great comfort in writing about what I’m feeling. It helps me sort through all of the tangled minutiae involved in a primal event like this. Once you can see it altogether in one place, it will start to make sense to you.

People that claim that they have never experienced jealousy are some of the most confident and secure people I know, but I confess that often I do not believe them when they tell me this. I think feeling jealousy at least once or twice in your life means you’re human and it gives you a place to sort through your own issues about being jealous.

This gives me hope as I enter the last segment of my life on Earth. To never feel like the rug has been jerked from beneath my feet and to know that the love I feel is real and honest, is a panacea in a world gone mad.

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About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Jaloux, mon amour?

  1. Lisa (Woman Wielding Words) says:

    Oh wise one, help me defeat this green eyed monster. Jealousy is not a problem in my relationship with my husband, and never has been. But, I admit to feeling jealous about other people’s success. I know that it is always based in my own insecurities and my own feelings of not being as “successful” as I think I should be. I know its crazy and I battle it on a daily basis. i would really like to banish jealousy from my repertoire of emotions, but I guess I can only really do that by truly accepting myself as I am. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the part about evaluating yourself, and why your feeling jealous. I never thought about jealously in this way. Something to think about. Thank you!

    Like

    • Sometimes being jealous can be a huge wake up call for us. It’s not always a bad emotion. Thank you for coming by and for commenting. I am so lax about responding to comments, but I eventually get there.

      Like

  3. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    It looks like it is going to be a very interesting few weeks with Madeline on her blog as she moves through the alphabet. This post is ‘J’ for Jealousy – this emotion is like having a termite colony in your relationships, undermines the structure and before you know it – gone. I too have had great relationships with guys and actually has stood me in good stead over the last 34 years of marriage – I learned how to be in a relationship with a man on an equal basis. My husband understands that I enjoy the company of men in a work environment and some are now friends of us both along with their partners. I think part of it is knowing when to flirt or not to flirt!

    Liked by 1 person

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