My grandmother never bought Mayonnaise. She never had real butter in the house either. I’m not sure if it was growing up during the Depression that formed these purchasing habits, or if she just had a real hankering for fake food, but I never tasted real mayonnaise or real butter until I left her house for good. Even then, I still bought Miracle Whip and vegetable oil spread because that’s all I knew about. But once I had the real thing, I never went back.

In fact, I stopped eating margarine long before a scientist in a dark laboratory somewhere in the nether worlds discovered that this stuff was just one step away from being plastic!

You see, just like in life, the fakes are great at fooling all of us into thinking they are better for us, but in the end they are all toxic and lethal. Never settle for a fake when the real thing is just as easy to get.

I only stock real, unsalted butter in my cupboards.

Oh, so you think cold butter destroys your freshly burnt toast, do you? Then take the butter out of the fridge about 15 minutes before you load the toaster. It will be just soft enough to cut a slab with your butter knife and instead of slamming it down on the crusty bread and smashing it about, try delicately rubbing the beautiful, yellow butter pat gently over the bread, thus covering it’s entire surface with the yummy milk fat lusciousness.

You see, just like in life, if you take your time with something, treat it gently and plan ahead, you will always reap some mighty tasty rewards.

There is absolutely no substitute for real mayonnaise.

I was dining out the other day and wanted a really good BLT. I ordered my lunch and the waitress asked if I would like Chipotle Mayo with that. Oh no! I want regular, but real, mayonnaise, I told her. I could tell this was the best mayonnaise when my sandwich came. They had loaded it into a small metal condiment container and it was so thick that it stood up in peaks of glorious white. I spread it over both slices of my bread so that my sandwich stuck together and then I sliced the entire sandwich in two pieces. It was so good, I might go back there for lunch again tomorrow.

You can make your own mayonnaise. It’s quite simple to do. But I am a dyed in the wool Southern gal and I am partial to the BEST mayonnaise on the planet. That would be Duke’s Mayonnaise. For you newbies out there, Duke’s is made using an old secret family recipe and it is pure heaven in a jar. I love it!

There is nothing that costs too much, when it’s something you really want. 

I don’t drink diet soda either. I went through a Tabb phase in high school, but decided after a few months that I just did not like the taste of fake sugars. Saccharin tastes about as awful as the name sounds and I’m not too fond of the new stuff and it’s neurotoxins either. I’m kind of attached to my brain cells and would like to hold onto them as long as I possibly can.

I stopped drinking any diet drinks on a regular basis about ten years ago. I stopped drinking sodas on a regular basis about 6 months ago. I’ll still have one now and then, but not like I used to drink them.

Mayonnaise, butter and sugar all get a bad rap on the dieting scene, but I’m here to tell you that you can still enjoy all of these things, just do it in moderation. Just like anything in life, if you only take what you need, then everything else will fall into place. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but none of us are getting out of here alive, so enjoy your time here and be well.

As long as you are not abusing something, it generally will not hurt you.

Until next time, I’ll see you at the corner of BLT and buttered toast. *wink, wink*




About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
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