by Madeline Laughs
One of the many trials you’ll experience when you start making personal boundaries is the guilt. A big surprise they don’t tell you about when making personal boundaries are the people you’ll end up dealing with that you never thought you’d need to set personal boundaries in order to protect yourself from.
I had a friend that constantly warned me about making boundaries in order to protect myself from people that had every intention of hurting me, but once I made them she felt compelled to violate every single one of them! I had no idea just how much she abused her friendship with me until I finally sat down and got to know myself well enough to know what I didn’t want in my life. Unfortunately, she turned out to be the perfect reason to have every single boundary. No one was more shocked than I was!
When I started enforcing my personal boundaries with her, she applied the one thing I wasn’t prepared to encounter. Guilt. When she realized I was saying NO to her for the first time in our lives, she retaliated by turning the tables on me in order to guilt me back into the submissive person she was used to. She was the first person that convinced me to seriously consider changing my life with personal boundaries and now she was the one person hellbent on destroying my progress.
“Is guilt standing in your way of saying no to the things you don’t want to do? Learn how to overcome guilt and other obstacles that could be blocking your way to setting boundaries in your life.
You have to be ready to make tough choices to change your lifestyle. Cheryl Richardson says guilt is the most common obstacle to taking care of yourself. You will feel guilty by making yourself a priority. To overcome guilt, face it head on. See it as a sign that you are on the right track.
Tell people your priorities have changed and that you are taking care of your needs. If you feel your own resistance to focusing on yourself, remember, when you put yourself first, you are then fully available to others without resentment or anger.
When you start making yourself a priority, you may feel uncomfortable and uncaring. Stay with it and find support from other women doing the same.”
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn’t working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of you or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for your own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest “scoop.” By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he’ll talk about someone else, he’ll talk about you.”
“Since soulful connections require an investment of time and energy, you’ll want to choose the people you spend time with wisely. To determine whether a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself the following questions.
- Write down the name of a person in your life.
- Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by him/her?
- Is this person critical or judgmental of me?
- Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?
- Do I feel upbeat and energized when I’m around this person, or depleted and drained?
- Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?
- Is this person committed to our relationship?
- Can this person celebrate my success?
- Do I feel good about myself when I’m with this person?
From Cheryl Richardson’s book Take Time for Your Life.”
If your friend doesn’t like the person you’re growing into, then taking this simple quiz about how you feel about the friendship should answer the questions about why this might be the case and if you want to continue being friends.