do they approve?

This has absolutely nothing to do with the content of this post. It's a piece of art I made for one of my best friends and I thought this post needed something pretty in it. :)

This has absolutely nothing to do with the content of this post. It’s a piece of art I made for one of my best friends and I thought this post needed something pretty in it. 🙂

For many, many years I lived my life teetering on the edge of other people’s approval.

Will they like that?

Do you think it’s enough?

Should I do more?

Do they like me?

Why don’t they like me?

If I do this will they like me?

Are they gonna get mad?

What am I gonna do if they get mad?

I should have done more!

I should be better! 

I know what it feels like to be constantly off balance because of other people’s demands. I know what it feels like to be ignored, and belittled, insulted and humiliated, shunned and discarded and then picked back up again, dusted off and hugged, only to start the whole abusive cycle all over again. They blow the skin off your bones with hatred and then pat it back into place so they can blow it off again.

Here’s a secret I’m going to share with you now.  

If you are connected to someone that is never quite satisfied with your friendship and you are always wondering what you did wrong, then this person is not your friend. I don’t care if the connection is a familial one, how old they are or how much you might think they mean to you, this person does not like you. They are never going to like you and it doesn’t matter how much you do for them, or give to them, they are always going to be dissatisfied, they will always want more and they will degrade and humiliate you to get more and they are still never going to like you. I don’t care if the last thing they ever say to you is “I love you, but…”, they do not love you. Not even a tiny bit. Period. End of story. No more wondering about it. Now you know.

It took me YEARS to finally discover this nugget of truth. YEARS!!!

So, what do you do?

Nothing.

You do nothing, as far as they are concerned.

Be cordial if you have to, but if you don’t have to be around them, then don’t be around them. Live your life. Move on and past them. Trust me, you are going to be so much happier when you make the decision to let them go. They need you so much more than you ever needed them.

They enjoy the games and the tricks and your tears. They love watching you struggle to meet their impossible demands on you. They like keeping you down, lying to you, gossiping about you, making other people hate you too, watching you drown, hoping you’ll die from depression. That’s what you are to them.

They are miserable, bitter people and they want everyone else to be miserable too.

One day I was listening to the negative voice in my head berate me because once again I had done something to anger my abuser and they were on the warpath with me. The problem was that I had no idea what I had done wrong, or how to fix it, so in my head I was cooking up all kinds of really nice things I could do, hours I could sacrifice, time I would never get back, just to appease the abuser and make them stop being so cruel to me.

I took a deep breath and silenced the voice in my head, the one that always wanted me to give and to give and to give and to be loved and to have approval. I told that voice to be quiet and I said to myself “Hey! Wait a minute here!”

DO I APPROVE?!!

Do I approve of how I’m being treated?

Does any of this make me feel good about myself?

Does it benefit me in any way?

Does it make me a better person?

Am I happy doing this?

Am I okay with the way I feel about this?

Do they care if they piss me off?

You see? These are the questions you really ought to be asking yourself from now on. These are the questions healthy minded folks ask themselves on a daily basis when they’re dealing with a narcissistic diva abuser. I have been asking myself these questions for about four years now and they work. It allows me to truly put a situation into perspective in terms of how it affects me and my life.

It takes time and hard internal work to get to that place and you will backslide and have those occasional meltdowns, but one day you’ll just know and it won’t make you hurt anymore.

They don’t like you and so, they don’t matter.

That’s all it is right there.

Start today! Ask yourself those questions and ask yourself if you approve of the way you’re allowing yourself to be treated. Then make those changes, because if there is anyone in this world whose priority needs to be YOU, it’s YOU. Treat yourself right by never allowing anyone to treat you wrong.

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About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to do they approve?

  1. WOW!! So spot on…were you writing about me??? LOL! Thanks.

    Like

  2. whine-wine-whatever says:

    Oh, boy. This one really resonates, on many levels with many experiences I’ve had with more than a few people. I will memorize those questions, dammit, and use them, especially: “Ask yourself if you approve of the way you’re allowing yourself to be treated.” You nailed it.

    Liked by 1 person

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