by Madeline Laughs
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
— Marilyn Monroe
I couldn’t have said that better myself if I tried.
Falling in love is one of the leading moments in a person’s life. From the first blush of romance to the day you both decide that this is home. It is exciting to embark on a new journey with someone that fits you like a second skin.
What some people forget is the feeling of this second skin. They forget how right it felt, how safe and warm those nights were. Molting under the heat of blending two lives together, they focus on their new mate with the glare of one seeing imperfections for the first time.
When you love someone, you love it all, not just the parts that suit you.
I will never understand why some people in new relationships think that it’s okay to force their mate to change their behavior. People rarely change after they reach a certain age. They suppress. Is that what you would want for someone you love?
Don’t misunderstand me, I am talking about behavior, not the way they dress, or where they work or who their friends are. Behavior is a totally different animal. The way they conduct themselves, their routines, their savoir-faire, is as much a part of them as the color of their hair. Just as they are making adjustments to you, you should make adjustments to them.
When you are dating someone, you learn about their habits. For instance, if they drink a lot then, they’ll drink a lot later. If your partner wants to stop drinking, or just cut down, they are the only person that can make that decision for themselves. If they make that decision you should be there to support them 100%, however if they fail, you have to continue being that support for them without being judgmental. This means not making ultimatums or threats in order to force them to continue with the process.
Bad behaviors as well as ones that just annoy you, are all a part of the same person you fell in love with. The magnification of constant exposure always throws some folks a curve ball. There is compromise and when you’re feeling particularly disillusioned you can talk with your beloved about these new feelings. Tell them your expectations and ask them to help you move past your apprehensions so the relationship can continue to grow and develop. Do this with love, not with extortion.
I told someone once that I had no interest in trying to change them. I wasn’t interested in fixing them. To me, they weren’t broken and I liked them for who they were. The life they had up to this moment made them the person that I could connect with. Why would I want to fix something that isn’t broken? Sure, there might be some issues, but the person, the heart, the mind and the soul are all still the same sentient being that called out to a part of me. That will always exist.
When two people come together it is magical in the beginning. As the bond deepens and ages it becomes stronger. Use this strength to guide your union to a safer, happier place where both of you stand on even ground. Focus more on the love you have for this new person in your life and less on trying to control them.
Just as you can never truly know who someone is, you can never control them either.
Every individual has their own Pandora’s Box. This box holds your darkest secrets. It is a private place within you that only you see. There is nothing wrong with holding a place within yourself that is sacred. A place for thoughts that you might never say aloud, a place for dreams and nightmares and waking moments of epiphany. This is the core of what makes you who you are. But it is yours and it is not to be controlled by another.
The day you begin to pick apart and try to control your lover, is the day you decide your relationship with this person is over. It’s like Marilyn tried to tell us; if you can’t love someone the way they are when they are at their absolute worst, then you do not deserve them at their best.
Take my advice. Know who you are and what you want, before you start looking for someone to share it with.