if you Love me

by Madeline Laughs

hearts

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
— Marilyn Monroe

I couldn’t have said that better myself if I tried.

Falling in love is one of the leading moments in a person’s life. From the first blush of romance to the day you both decide that this is home. It is exciting to embark on a new journey with someone that fits you like a second skin.

What some people forget is the feeling of this second skin. They forget how right it felt, how safe and warm those nights were. Molting under the heat of blending two lives together, they focus on their new mate with the glare of one seeing imperfections for the first time. 

When you love someone, you love it all, not just the parts that suit you.

I will never understand why some people in new relationships think that it’s okay to force their mate to change their behavior. People rarely change after they reach a certain age. They suppress. Is that what you would want for someone you love?

Don’t misunderstand me, I am talking about behavior, not the way they dress, or where they work or who their friends are. Behavior is a totally different animal. The way they conduct themselves, their routines, their savoir-faire, is as much a part of them as the color of their hair. Just as they are making adjustments to you, you should make adjustments to them.

When you are dating someone, you learn about their habits. For instance, if they drink a lot then, they’ll drink a lot later. If your partner wants to stop drinking, or just cut down, they are the only person that can make that decision for themselves. If they make that decision you should be there to support them 100%, however if they fail, you have to continue being that support for them without being judgmental. This means not making ultimatums or threats in order to force them to continue with the process.

Bad behaviors as well as ones that just annoy you, are all a part of the same person you fell in love with. The magnification of constant exposure always throws some folks a curve ball. There is compromise and when you’re feeling particularly disillusioned you can talk with your beloved about these new feelings. Tell them your expectations and ask them to help you move past your apprehensions so the relationship can continue to grow and develop. Do this with love, not with extortion.

I told someone once that I had no interest in trying to change them. I wasn’t interested in fixing them. To me, they weren’t broken and I liked them for who they were. The life they had up to this moment made them the person that I could connect with. Why would I want to fix something that isn’t broken? Sure, there might be some issues, but the person, the heart, the mind and the soul are all still the same sentient being that called out to a part of me. That will always exist.

When two people come together it is magical in the beginning. As the bond deepens and ages it becomes stronger. Use this strength to guide your union to a safer, happier place where both of you stand on even ground. Focus more on the love you have for this new person in your life and less on trying to control them.

Just as you can never truly know who someone is, you can never control them either.

Every individual has their own Pandora’s Box. This box holds your darkest secrets. It is a private place within you that only you see. There is nothing wrong with holding a place within yourself that is sacred. A place for thoughts that you might never say aloud, a place for dreams and nightmares and waking moments of epiphany. This is the core of what makes you who you are. But it is yours and it is not to be controlled by another.

The day you begin to pick apart and try to control your lover, is the day you decide your relationship with this person is over. It’s like Marilyn tried to tell us; if you can’t love someone the way they are when they are at their absolute worst, then you do not deserve them at their best.

Take my advice. Know who you are and what you want, before you start looking for someone to share it with.

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About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to if you Love me

  1. Michi says:

    Another great post, and a lesson I learned first-hand the hard way. One of my most cherished relationships fell apart because we were so young and what felt like ever-changing in those days. It came to a close years later when he realized he couldn’t hold me back, and I realized I couldn’t “fix” him. Though sad, it was one of the happiest and most liberating points in my life.

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  2. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for you baby. You just have to make that decision, turn around and move into the future that’s out there waiting for you. Make it with love because you have loved this man with more passion than he will ever know again in his lifetime. Leave him with that and take away the experience of having given of yourself with your whole heart. There is never anything wrong with having loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nazia says:

    Have you ever seen or read biography of marliyn Monreo.You would see how she got her place in this field.Why you make you easy catch for others for getting your desires, people are all time ready to cash such desires in their favor and when they get it they start looking for real love or passions.So it not happens actually .For getting true love your own attitude and moral principles matters a lot.The way you make you self for other’s attractions is your snare for your desired targets not your flow of natural love.So love needs purity and sacrifices of your own kind.

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  4. D. Ogyen says:

    Something I live by…

    “You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
    You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
    Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
    But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
    And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

    Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
    Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
    Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
    Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
    Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
    Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

    Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
    For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
    And stand together yet not too near together:
    For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
    And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
    Kahlil Gibran

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  5. D. Ogyen says:

    Another thought …

    we often have rough relationships with ourselves, as you put it we have a Pandora’s box. The key to a good relationship with someone else is a clear view of oneself. Without that, there is only projection after projection. People assume their own opinions, notions, and desires are truth simply because they experience them. Instead, it could be valuable to consider that they are simply experiences, that we are the ones experiencing them, but it could behoove us to pause and contemplate the nature of our urges.

    LOUIS DE BERNIERES wrote:
    “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable
    that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathless, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
    That is just being “in love” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and that is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from the branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

    Whenever I fall in love, I remember this. It’s guided me well in many years…

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  6. Pingback: It’s them, or me, but you can’t have both | Madeline Scribes

  7. I have been shown recently that what we define as love is different for everyone. What I mean when I say “I love you” is different than what you mean, because our lives have been made up of different experiences. So for me love may mean monogamy, being together forever, putting the loved first, and to them it may mean that they need to have your presence in their lives as well as several others. If that makes sense. What that means in the actual falling in love experience, I would be lying if I feigned any insight or understanding in this area at all. 🙂 Thanks for the thought provoking post. “Love” it!

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