The first time I ever heard of this was in reference to a married couple I knew well. A group that they socialized with told them that the husband could still be a part of the group, but the wife wasn’t invited anymore. I just could not wrap my head around why anyone would ever make that kind of ultimatum to a married couple. What were they thinking?! These were the nicest couple of folks you’d ever want to hang out with and they did so much for the group dynamic and many of the members of the group. They were salt of the Earth, friendly folks. What could ever motivate anyone to issue such a strange and socially awkward invitation?
So I spoke up against the group for what I perceived to be very rude behavior, and soon after, my husband received essentially the same invitation. He was welcome to come, but from now on, I was not. Both of us laughed. Did they really think they were that interesting?
If you have to make those kinds of exclusions when it comes to being social, then you aren’t being social at all.
It’s fine not to like someone’s spouse, but it is never okay to issue any kind of invitation that doesn’t include the whole couple. It’s just plain rude and doing so makes you an uncouth troglodyte.
What kind of person makes these kinds of rules and demands on their friends? What kind of person thinks this is something that anyone will even go along with? And why would anyone want to come between a committed couple? All valid questions!
As time moved forward I realized this is not something that happens on a regular basis. These cases are uniquely original because most people over the age of 25 would never issue this kind of requirement in exchange for friendship and acceptance. Nope! These folks are extra special and just a little bit psycho because they take it to the next level by trying to cement the deal at all costs.
The person/group that gives you this kind of warped solicitation to hang out with the presumed “cool kids” sans your mate, is not your friend.
This kind of person isn’t anyone’s friend. They like you about as much as they like your spouse, which is, evidently, not at all. Do yourself a favor and take a quick inventory of how much they ask you to do for them. Whether it’s stuff or money, you are giving them something they aren’t ready to part with, so until they tire of the stuff, or of you, they will keep you around. That’s the only reason you still get to come to the party.
And how about those times when you aren’t around? Do you reckon they’re all sitting around waxing poetic about how much they miss you? Or that you are such a super great person and they can’t wait to see you again? If those are the daydreams you’re having about someone that just disrespected your mate, gave you an ultimatum, and dangled their friendship like it was a reward, then you’re delusional.
I can tell you from the experience of hearing firsthand what they do when the spouse isn’t around. I’ve not only heard it myself, but I talked to others that used to be in the group and they admitted what went on behind the scenes. They will go so far as to have secret breakfast meetings to devise plans on how to excommunicate the person they don’t like. The subterfuge and numerous phone calls to other members so everyone appears united against their perceived foe is extravagant and filled with drama. Everyone will be given strict orders to follow, with threats against them if they don’t.
It’s truly a three ring circus filled with packets of peanut brains and clowns.
But other than that, they’re not giving you a second thought, except when you’re the butt of a joke, or when they want to degrade someone in order to feel better about themselves.
It’s no big mystery to me anymore and how to handle people like this isn’t something that requires much thought from me these days. I find them to be petty and their conduct laughable. The solution for me is quite simple and here it is…
Ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want to include in your life. If you have self respect, the answer will always be NO. Delete them. Walk away from them and forget about them.