It must be exhausting to be you. The ups are way up there and the downs are so low. You’re always telling me how awful your life is, and yet you do nothing to make improvements. You can never pick a side to be on because you’re so busy playing both of them and now no one likes you anymore. And you wonder why?! Telling everyone’s secrets indiscriminately, and then getting angry when your story leaks. You’re so confused about what you do that you have no idea who is your friend or foe. As you spin whatever lies you’ve told today, it must be tiresome. You must be so weary of trying to remember what you said and to whom. Do you ever get bored of toying with people’s lives?
Do you ever think how nice it would be to just love yourself enough to not participate in the tragedy that your own life has become?
I just don’t get the drama.
A long time ago, when I finally figured out that people that cause drama were causing all of the upheaval in my own life, I walked away from the drama and from the people that cause it. It was a difficult and often heartbreaking decision to make. It was heartbreaking because I actually liked some of these folks! That might be hard to believe, but think about your own friends. Isn’t there someone in that pile that causes unnecessary histrionics. We all have them and some aren’t that bad, but others are just pure poison. I walk away from the poisonous ones.
When I sit back and I watch them twist some new plot that eventually will cost someone, or hurt someone, I want to step in and ask them to just stop. This would never work, because I’ve tried it. “Instead of worrying about how you’re going to hurt this person that doesn’t like you, why not think about all the people that do like you? Do something nice for them. Wouldn’t that be a much better thought to have?” The blank stare I get in return for my good advice is almost palpable. The paranoia that perhaps I am now plotting with this person against them is an inevitable accusation that I’ll have to defend myself against. “So what?! These assholes are your favorite people now?!” Sigh…They have no intention of ever thinking about anything worthy. To deal in the darkness life offers them is so much more of a temptation and so they give in to it.
What can you do?
I wish I had some sage advice and instruction for turning this situation around. I would have used it myself to salvage friendships that I kind of miss sometimes. The only thing you can do is either walk away, or as one of my wise friends suggests, reduce your emotional investment.
Reducing my emotional investment is something I have had to do with people that I had no choice in dealing with occasionally. This involves working my own personal boundaries and never allowing them to cross a line with me. You’ll have to be diligent in protecting yourself if you plan to have contact with someone that has this kind of personality disorder. They will always be pushing for more and more and more of your time and your heart. If you give it to them, the vicious circle they are so caught up in will begin again and you’ll get dragged right along with them. Reducing your investment simply means that you only allow this person enough of you to satisfy whatever small need there might be, but you just know in your heart that this will never be a relationship that’s any deeper than a teaspoon of murky water.
It takes practice to reduce your investment in people, especially when you loved them, but it can be achieved over time and with patience. Once you’re there you’ll find it’s easier to deal with their tragic episodes, the silent treatment when you disappoint them by not participating in their drama, the tantrums they throw when you disagree with the way they think about others, the petulance, the crying jags, the mean and malicious gossip they spread about you behind your back, etc. Yeah…sometimes they’re just all this rolled into one putrid pile of shit.
It must be so exhausting to be them. Just thinking about it makes me tired too.
Let’s think about something nice and life affirming instead. 🙂
You never have to be around anyone for any length of time, unless you choose to be there. Anyone in your life is there simply because you made the choice for them to be there, and those that occasionally pop in and cause havoc are easily dealt with using grace and a smile. You are the one with the power. Use your power for good.