What you can do when your mother-in-law Hates you

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A few years back I realized that my loyalty and undying love and affections were not only misguided, but being wasted on my mother-in-law. While I was busy shining in the fact that I loved her and she loved me, she was telling people how much she hated me. I had absolutely no idea.

“I don’t like my son’s wife.” 

People that spent a lot of time with her tried to tell me that this was something she did on a regular basis, but I never believed them. I would listen to them as they described how she spread the word and what she said about me, then I would file it away as gossip and never think about it again. I never told her that they were telling me how much she hated me. I didn’t want to give her any reasons to get mad at them for saying something to me. I figured it was best left unsaid. Why cause drama?

Anyway, I could ignore all of this easily because every day my mother-in-law stopped by my house to say hello and to tell me how much she loved me. So why would I believe that she hated me? It was so much easier to believe in the love.

It wasn’t just that either.  

She also told me how much she hated the people that were telling me how much she hated me, even though she had no idea they were telling me that she hated me too. So I was sure that they all hated each other and since I was the only one feeling any love, perhaps I needed to be taken down a peg or two.

I was always told that most mother-in-laws hate their daughter-in-laws and so I used to brag about how lucky I was! Boy, was I clueless, or what?

This was an awful lot of hate going around.

What are the three things you can do if this was your reality?

  1. If someone tells you a family member hates you, believe it. That’s not an easy thing for anyone to repeat, no matter how despicable they may be. When it’s a close friend telling you this is true, you need to start paying attention and start taking care of yourself.
  2. People that confess to hating anyone or anything, hate you too. Don’t think that because you get to hear them say it about someone else makes you special, because you’re not. Hating is easy and people that throw that word out there are perpetual Haters. They hate everything and everyone! Find a new friend.
  3. I am a fan of confrontation. I know many folks aren’t, but it can’t be so hard to simply pose the question to the person over lunch or while you’re out shopping together. “Is it true that you really hate me?” Just ask the person if they hate you. They’ll lie about it, but at least they’ll know that you know and the cards will sorta be on the table then.

Even though she hated all of these other people and wanted me to hate them too, I didn’t hate any of these people that she hates. I genuinely like many of them and I loved my mother-in-law! I did not understand any of this at all. I wasn’t sure I wanted to understand it. As long as I pretended I didn’t hear the rumors, she would still come over every day and tell me how much she loved me too.

Why all the hate?

The folks sharing her proclamations with me never understood how I could still walk into her business and wrap my arms around her in a hug, but there she was calling me “sweetie” and kissing my cheek. That’s kind of hard to process, especially when the moment I walked out, she would turn and say “I can’t stand the b!tch!

But hey, I am not that special. She will say the same thing about YOU after you’ve spent time being hugged and kissed too. so there…

I never knew any of this was happening for many years. Can you just imagine the challenge it was for anyone to convince me it was true? Can you imagine what it felt like to finally accept this as truth?

When you finally accept the fact that someone you dearly love and would do anything in the world for, despises you, it is one of the most heartbreaking and painful experiences of your life. But I finally accepted it.

I reached the conclusion that to actually tell someone you hate them was too much of a challenge for some folks. Instead of letting them know that you don’t like anything about them and don’t want to be around them, it felt good to be able to say it to someone, so she was saying it to everyone, except me.

Someday you have to decide how much negativity you allow in your life before you’ve had enough. Why spend your energy trying to be around people that hate you? You might think it proves something, but it does not.

Knowing this about me, what are five more things that might help you in a situation similar to mine?

  1. This person will never change. You need to know that. They. Will. Never. Change. This is who they are to their core being. You will never change the way they feel about you. They hate you. They have every right to hate you even if they don’t have a valid reason for hating you. Move on.
  2. Those people they surround themselves with are going to hate you too. That’s just the way it is. Find new friends.
  3. Walk away and never look back. Even though she’s your mother-in-law you can limit your contact with her. Be cordial when you have to be. Think of the drama you’re leaving in the past! Trust me, this is a healthy move to make.
  4. Don’t be a Hater. Try not to let this situation change who you are and how you handle life. Removing this kind of negativity is good for you and makes room for joyful times with good friends.
  5. Most important thing of all…if your husband loves and supports you like mine does, LOVE YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE. It’s not their fault, so don’t blame them. It is still their mother and they will still love her and that’s okay. It’s right.

I don’t hate my mother-in-law. I will never hate her. That is just not who I am.

That’s who she is.

If something you read here strikes a nerve and you want to read more, consider clicking the Follow button on the Home page. You’ll get an email every time I decide to bang on my keyboard. Thanks for reading and here’s hoping your mother-in-law blues are nothing like mine.

 

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About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to What you can do when your mother-in-law Hates you

  1. udenil says:

    I have had similar experiences with my MIL too…She have done very nasty and manipulative things to me but I never confronted them instead just limited my contact with her. Thanks for the great write up on this, I still find it hard not to make my husband feel bad about it though, you are right he’s not to be blamed…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Limiting your contact is the best approach when someone treats you badly. Now that you know what she’s doing, it will be easier to avoid the traps. Give your husband a big hug! He loves you and she knows it. That probably drives her nuts. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ll see your 1 MIL and raise you 3 SIL’s, at least 1 BIL and at least 1 nephew 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my! You’ve got a busload of people to avoid during the holidays!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Strangely enough I don’t want to avoid all of them. They are too far away too see all the time but I wanted to be friends with them, they just never accepted me. My MIL is probably the most accepting of the lot but I still never felt like I was accepted.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That kind of behavior stems from fear of the unknown and most of the time it’s their own fault for being rigid and not opening up and allowing themselves the freedom to get to know you better. You’re probably much better off that way.

        In my case I thought we were close friends and found out we were never friends at all as far as she was concerned. She has told people she hated me from the very beginning. So would you rather think you’re close friends/family and find out later that you meant nothing to them? Or would you want to remain distant and friendly and never get close enough to be hurt by them?

        Liked by 2 people

      • The first girl I every lived with had a MIL like that, she had a dossier on the son’s g/f and mother of her grand kids that she kept to present to a court and show how bad of a mother she was if she ever tried to leave the son. The woman tried the same to me but couldn’t find enough information. It came out not long before we broke up that mum just didn’t like the fact her kids left home.

        My in-laws aren’t that bad, we are different and wont ever be the same but I have still always wanted to be friends. It’s not a one sided street, I’m not easy to get along with, especially with people I don’t know well but I don’t think I put the wall up as high as it is.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Sometimes the only thing we can do is just go with the flow and be grateful there’s no drama. 🙂 I think you are a fantastic human being for wishing for friendship. Never stop feeling that way. You have a good heart.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks.

        I am fantastic 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Girl! Woman! I must let you know, it is Wonderful to see someone with the “Old school saying:”
    ” You got some balls to speak the truth…bla bla bla…” But what You Really got are “Some Breast to speak the Truth from the “Heart vs from the lower chakras.” Challenging the “Reasons” to play some bullshit game of “Let’s pretend we like each other when we both/ and others know /we don’t.” For putting into words many will be able to take into their own lives,a feeing to please the “Never Satisfied” in the “World”can’t be done so stop trying for your own sake! Seeing how worthless and time consuming it can be to try to please these people..remember: a runaway train will hit anything on the track, so don’t take it personally…they are the runaways…Let’s move on and get a glass of “Sweet Tea” on the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It must be so freeing for you to write and post this. xo 🙂

    My very wise man believes that, simply because people are related either by blood or marriage, they are not required to love or even like each other. But out-and-out hatred? That cannot be fixed. It comes from a deep, dark place. She appears to be a bitter old woman who lives a lonely, vengeful and empty existence. And that’s not your problem, sweetie! Or, as you’ve declared in a previous blog, “Not today.” For me, it comes down to choices: accepting the drama/hurt/pain or seeking and nourishing healthy relationships. Easy peasy. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly! ❤ It has been freeing. Not only the letting go, but being able to finally to tell my own truth. After years of knowing she stood in her business and trashed me, someone that dearly loved her, and not only was I innocent of knowing what she was doing, but I had no defense. So yes, this feels good. I am free. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Exactly! ❤ It has been freeing. Not only the letting go, but being able to finally to tell my own truth. After years of knowing she stood in her business and trashed me, someone that dearly loved her, and not only was I innocent of knowing what she was doing, but I had no defense. So yes, this feels good. I am free. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. mycraftylittlestitches says:

    I guess I’m in the lucky minority. It more likely to be my family causing trouble…. A lot of drama kings and Queens. Poor Callum.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Through It All says:

    My MIL does the same thing. I had no clue until recently when we were all going through the worst time of our lives ( my husband, her son) had a near fatal car accident and suffered massive injuries. People would message me asking why I was doing this or that to her. I had no clue what any of it was about until she accused me of neglecting my husband. My father in law ( her ex husband) informed me of the messages she was sending to him. My eyes are wide open and I will never let her get close to me again. Even though she tries extremely hard to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I applaud you for cutting her out like the rotten sore she is. They don’t deserve good daughter in laws!

      Stand your ground and never let her close again because her truth is that she will never change. She will ingratiate herself back into your life if you allow it and still send nastygrams to everyone about you. That’s who they are and it’s the sewage they need in order to stay relevant.

      Go with the grace of knowing you married a man that loves you. ❤

      Like

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