I didn’t start it.
Isn’t that always the way though? You’re happily hanging out and suddenly you become the object of their rage, their superior presence, their need to be the center of everyone’s Universe.
I never start it because it is the thing I desire least in this world.
All I ever want in life is to be a good friend, enjoy people, have fun.
I don’t go out into my daily world seeking conflict with my friends. I’m curious about the people that do. When I awake in the morning my first thought isn’t; how can I hurt someone that loves me; my first thought is about how can I make today amazing and who can I include. When did that stop being the best way to begin?
I’m not here to mentor anyone. I’m not interested in teaching or preaching. I don’t lead by example because I don’t view myself as someone that’s any better, or worse, than you. I’m just being me. I always assume you’re just being you. When did that stop being the way people behave?
You told me over and over again, “You are such a good friend!” I remember telling you that Yes! I am a good friend, because without a doubt I am a good friend. I enjoy being a good friend. I have always felt that anyone that is my friend is lucky to be my friend and I am lucky to be theirs. I am not so lucky all the time though.
Now I guess I can tell you that I am a much better friend than you turned out to be.
It wasn’t enough that you could do this freely behind my back and yet, still smile at me when I showed up again. You needed to feel more, so you shoved your poison down my throat. You wiped the smile from my lips. You rolled around in the confusion you watched appear on my face. You grinned now. This was feeling something!
“This is what she said about you!”
“This is how much they hate you!”
What had I done to deserve this?
Do you find yourself asking this question, like it’s going to make a difference in what’s happening? Let me save you some time. There is nothing that can fix this. This is not someone you need to be friendly with anymore because what just happened is not friendly at all. That is not what friendship feels like. It’s over, folks.
I have been there. Blindsided by gossip and mean actions directed towards me. Stuff that just flew at me out of nowhere. My jaw dropped to the floor in disbelief because I don’t even know who the players are or why they’re doing this to me. I am completely unaware of what has been going on behind my back because someone felt a bit insecure with their station in life and saw me as a target to shoot their shit at.
This is not something I do to my friends, so why are you doing this to me?
I have asked myself these questions and I have stuck around trying to repair damages that were never my fault. Spinning my wheels and making the mudhole deeper, making myself feel crazy, helpless, unloved and unworthy. Without warning you find yourself sitting there all alone with no one to hear your side anymore.
Once you are all alone with the hurt this person has gifted you, is when your higher self can take over to remind you to stop spending your time trying to live within a reality created for you out of their self-hatred. That’s right. This is not your purpose here. You aren’t here to clean up their mess. You gave them your heart and you loved them with your light and they are showing you who they really are now. You blinded them, burned them, made them feel like they couldn’t rise up, so they needed to bring you down. Don’t allow it.
What they’re saying, the pain they’re sharing, that’s on them. Even when all they’re doing is repeating something they heard about you, that’s still them shoveling the turds into your yard. Build that fence, gurl! No trespassing! You have better things to do than try to fix that broken doll.
When you stop the spin they’re spitting out and you take a deep, cleansing breath, you’ll see who your real friends are. I can guarantee the first person you’ll see there waiting for you to walk away from that noisy drama is going to be the best friend you’ll ever have.
That person is YOU.