I was writing a new post about the usual and making comments from the unhappy memories I had, when I came to a complete stop. Sometimes when we continue to treat a hurt by simply counting on the perception of a situation we have carried for years, those memories can become a murmuration. We end up nursing damage that happened a long time ago, before we discovered healthy ways to process what the world dishes out to us. A droning epitaph we recite to ourselves because we need to feel right and if we say it enough times, it becomes real. Thoughts become things and before long it’s bigger than we needed it to be.
I stopped writing and instead I went backwards, and I’m glad I took that time for myself.
She was a friend, a good friend, and we would write these long and detailed messages to each other on Facebook. She was super busy at work and with her two horses, and I traveled all over the USA for weeks at a time for my job, so we weren’t always available to each other for in person visits or phone chats.
What is left behind is an archaeology in words of what our friendship was, how is started, how it grew and then how it was destroyed.
What I discovered in scrolling backwards in time and reading our wordy exchanges was a lot of joy and happiness between two people that genuinely liked one another. Until it went south very quickly and it seemed the only person fighting for us was her. This was before I began my journey with self discovery, and now my friend will never benefit from my growth. Instead she has become a casualty of the darkness I muddled through in order to come out on the other side, bloody, but still alive.
What I realized was that she contributed to much of the destruction, not because she wanted to destroy our friendship, but simply because what I asked of her was something she would never be able to do, not even for herself. I discovered the demise of this friendship was my fault. I was the stronger friend and the problems and anxiety I wanted her to share the burden of, were all mine.
Our friendship was built on a shaky foundation over four years ago with truths and actions I wasn’t made aware of until they became something I found threatening. I wasn’t evolved enough to handle the anxiety that being her friend caused me. I didn’t believe her when she told me how much she valued me, simply because she was connected to people that had tried to destroy me and hurt my family. She agreed with me, but had no idea how to help me and I could read it in her words today, but I know I never felt it while it was happening.
What I also read, and was shocked to see, was how many times she told me she loved me. Over and over I read those words, “I love you!”
How did I miss that?
I know that many of you out there come to my blog searching for answers and I always try my best to provide what I know has worked for me. I want you to find comfort and I want you to live the best life you were meant to live. Today I am telling you that along the way you’re going to miss a lot of good cues, you’re going to ruin some great friendships trying to sort out who the bad ones are. And people are going to tell you they love you and really mean it, and you’re going to walk away from them because you haven’t realized that you deserve to be loved and sometimes love comes with no strings attached.
What I am going to tell you today is that no matter how tumultuous your life is right at this moment, stop and take a breath. Take a look behind you and open your heart to the real love that some people are sending you. You might heal a whole lot sooner than you thought you would.