Deflection behavior of the narcissist and How You Can Protect Yourself

 

Deflection behavior is when the narcissist blames the victim for their bad behavior and feels justified in bullying them. A malignant narcissist will even go as far as using the victim’s own self defense against them.

For example, posting a maliciously mean song about the victim and even using the victim’s name in the title. The description of the mean song identifies the victim’s relationship to the bully and then this song is posted publicly on every social network available to the bully. The bully tries to use humor to make people think the victim is someone they should also ridicule and humiliate.

This backfires when the victim faces off with the bully and comments directly on a post, asking the bully to reconsider their behavior because their behavior is unhealthy, in fact, this behavior has a name and it is called cyberbullying. But rather than taking a look at their bad behavior, the bully decides to hide the evidence and then deflects.

The bully now claims the victim is a bully.

Therefore the bully is justified in continuing to cyber bully the victim.

They project their own bad behavior onto the victim.  

By the way, cyberbullying is against the law. If you are being cyberbullied, keep detailed records of all instances for the police to use should the bully decide to continue to escalate their illegal activities.

How many times have you heard someone who said something that is mean, vindictive and hurtful — or committed a violent and/or destructive act  — justify it by saying the recipient had ‘made’ the perpetrator mad?

That’s an example of using blame to excuse your own bad behavior.

Unfortunately, blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy. It allows a person to act in a hurtful way to another human being. It isn’t the act itself, but it often clears the road. This is a small, but important point. Ordinary humans have inhibitions that serve as a buffer against what we know is bad behavior. Blame is not the act itself, but it either erodes or outright removes these inhibitions, often both . It develops a thought pattern that allows the person’s emotions to override his/her self-control in order to achieve an often selfish end — including sustaining dysfunctional patterns.

While this may seem like an overly harsh statement, also realize the kind of mindset that so quickly adopts blame as a defensive posture for emotional/ego protection is exactly the  same one that will put you in front of, otherwise avoidable, physical danger.

~from No Nonsense Self Defense

When I did some research on this type of personality disorder I found that the “blame game” is considered high risk behavior. Their lack of empathy can often lead them to do things that normal society would find abhorrent and in some cases, even illegal.

People that engage in this kind of deflection often feel self important. They feel like they are above being called out or getting in trouble for their bully tactics. They don’t like to be wrong and they never apologize. Their main concern is the self gratification they receive from supporters and these supporters often only know the bully’s side of the story.

The other side of their gratification is the reaction they get from the victim. As long as the victim is kept engaged, off balance and upset, the bully stays sated. They get off on watching the victim react to their bullying tactics.

“Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.

Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.

Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.

The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival mechanism.

He ­­or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.

This ensures two things:

1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and

2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).”

~from melanietoniaevans.com

So what can you do?

I have come to the conclusion after many years of dealing with this type of personality disorder that there is nothing you can do in terms of expecting this person to change. They are basically incapable of changing. You can not fix them and you certainly can not control their behavior.

Under these circumstances, the only person you should be concerned with is yourself.

You can limit your contact with them if that is possible, but the best thing is to cut off all contact. I have found that even this becomes their reason for coming after you and they will use anyone they can in order to get to you. Surround yourself with healthy and loving friends and family and make them aware, if they aren’t already, of how toxic this person’s behavior is.

Never be silent about what is happening to you.

Speak up.

I have tried fighting back with limited success. What I have realized is this only titillates the fantasy they have of mastering some kind of control over you. Even your disgust for their behavior is something they seem to lust after.

Realize that your continued participation is also unhealthy for you and break free of the cycle the bully has created.

The best defense against a malignant narcissistic bully is to tell others what you are experiencing and then go about living a good life, free of the bully’s existence. Good luck out there! Stay safe, be loved and enjoy life!

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About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Deflection behavior of the narcissist and How You Can Protect Yourself

  1. Pingback: The Blaming Mindset | Salem Witch Hunt

  2. silkred says:

    there is an interesting conundrum here… some difficult tension between – Staying Silent – and – Speaking out

    You advise against internalising the experience, this seems intuitively correct and I agree it is correct – you can’t exist with this inside you, it drives you insane, brings depression, makes you ill… erupts in anger.

    Speaking out however is by its nature, visible, and if its visible then these hyper vigilant losers will find it.

    The sad excuse for a human who abuses me found even posts like this – comments online – so in speaking out and describing the affects of his actions I have to accept that the sad bastard is likely to read them finding them somehow amusing to him at how its affecting me.

    He recruited a technically able sidekick loser of a different nature to hack behind the passwords I use to keep my notes on narcissism generally private. I share them sometimes so I don’t have to explain or articulate the things that happened, to externalise them from my mind, which has been a success and comes under – Speaking Out – but he has read them too, quotes back to me things I have said on these pages on posts like this – I imagine too he has shared them to demonstrate to others what a nutter I have become.

    So.

    There is a conflict there isn’t there, I have come to think of narcissism as being like chess, these losers play their moves with some experience, cornering you, checked, in a place with few options.

    Speaking Out and telling my peers what was happening made me the source of the abuse and let them turn away from me without remorse – one even explained it to me in an email how awful he thought I had been to this poor excuse of a man and that it was “down to me” – “the ball in your court” to attempt a return… that was the last I have heard from a once good friend.

    I think talking about it works only in getting it out your system, connecting in places like this, with others like you, who understand and know and with whom you can explore the experience, putting it to bed – gently – and with care – so as not to wake the evil noisy excuse for a human so they cry and cry… if you take care then all you are left with is a dormant tumour in your life – always watching – ready to act – sharply painful if aroused…

    Like

    • I know what you mean silkred and they will always find a way to use your words against you. Here is where you can benefit from that…the ones that believe the narc are not people you want in your life anyway.

      They do you a huge favor by weeding out people that will eventually hurt you. Your true friends will stay by your side, while staying out of the drama.

      Like

      • silkred says:

        yes – you know I think that is true… I think it is key, like you have just done so simply, to see the positive and focus on that… let the rest just drift away…

        talking in these places with you and with others has been a revelation for me – it has created a safe feeling nurturing healthy place to articulate thoughts, share experiences and to sense the healing process start…

        Liked by 1 person

    • Tell your story SilkRed!! Get it all out! You will be amazed at how freeing this will be for you. It worked wonders for me.

      Like

      • silkred says:

        For me too – at times – not always – I find that I am struggling to cope a lot of the time and now that I have the loser at a distance there will be times soon when I have to see him

        those times are then I wish to fly my glider – moments when I would be lost almost totally in the wonder of flight this loser and his friends will all be there – meaning I will have to filter them out somehow – if I make it to those places even at all

        the whole notion of this places a barrier between me and the pure feeling of freedom I once so enjoyed – but I am determined not to let such a worthless narc get in the way of this – but I am angry… a lot.

        Like

      • The anger will fade away eventually. In the meantime, love yourself and keep reaching out to people that have been through this. I want to recommend another blogger to you. I think her words will give you even more insight and tools for healing.
        http://www.paularenee.wordpress.com

        Like

  3. Pingback: What if The Abusers Changed? | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  4. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Right on target …. great post!

    Like

  5. Dr. Rex says:

    On another note, thanks for stopping by “It Is What It Is” and the follow. I hope you enjoy your visits there. Peace … hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. marschris6 says:

    Thank you so much, im in the mddle of this and just walked away from my partner. He almost drove me insane…. still trying to heal , still bleeding inside 😦

    Like

  7. A human being says:

    Here’s a mindblower (well only my mind I suppose)–When I objected to my being verbally abused, emotionally abused–physically abused–my abuser accused me of “abusing” him by telling him not to abuse me!

    what??????????

    He objects to being “told what to do” (of course I must obey his every command)

    whatttttttt??????????

    It’s all b.s.

    Like

  8. J. W. Just says:

    Excellent analysis and your advice to Ito cut off all contact is accurate. Personality disordered people thrive on the cycle of reeling you in over and over again simply to attack you after leading you to believe things have changed. In my case it is my adult daughter. It was a difficult decision to cut all contact because I have three beautiful grandsons. I have accepted the fact I may get to know them when the become adults, but not before… Which means I have eleven years of no contact before the oldest turns 18. Sad, but necessary. In the meantime, I’ll continue to volunteer in my community and enjoy my life sans family.

    Like

    • Me too JW. My own family was nothing but drama, so I opted out eventually. You have to decide what it’s worth to you and sometimes family thinks they can treat you like crap just because you’re family. That’s no longer the case these days. More and more people are working on their mental health and if your family is unhealthy, no law says you have to stick it out.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Ann says:

    I dove in head first to find some answers, some support and some relief. Feeling set off and helpless. My ex has what I believe to be NPD. He has visitation with our 7 yr old son one weekend a month. Before each visit my son gets so anxious and doesn’t want to go. Then comes home after each visit having suffered greatly in his father’s care. Making it all even worse is the “step-mother”, his dad’s gf. They now have a baby together and she treats my son like an unwanted dog. Belittle, criticize, devalue, verbally attack, humiliate and so on. The police told me that it is not a criminal offense to be emotionally abusive. The Child and Family Services have refused my request to investigate. The police also put in a report to CFS, but no investigation after three months…

    I got messages back for my ex deflecting all I say as harassment, abuse, bullying and he takes zero responsibility for the pain my son is enduring. I am to blame for everything. I am an idiot. I am a terrible mother. I am unskilled. I am irrational. I am causing my son to suffer by not teaching him proper behaviours.

    Am I going off the deep end mental? No one can do anything to end the suffering my little boy goes through. They tear him down and I put him together again every time. I sent an email after the last visit insisting that shame style parenting is damaging to children, and they do not benefit from authoritarian controls. I maybe should have said nothing, but I am Mama Bear mad at the damage I see in my beautiful boy’s heart, and in his eyes. He asks why I keep sending him for visits and when will I call the police.

    I tell he is brave just as he is and knows in his heart right from wrong. I can not tell him that I am bound by Court Order.

    How do I show the Court my ex is extremely narcissistic without labeling him as one? I document everything in a journal. What good is that if no one will take enough time to try and understand the multi-layered history of it all?

    How do I release myself from this trap and move forward to healing?

    I am under Court Order.

    Like

    • I am not a doctor, counselor or lawyer, but I can tell you this. Please get your son into counseling now. Find a therapist that specializes in helping children deal with mental and emotional abuse so that they can teach your son how to process and possibly avoid what is happening to him at his father’s house. You might also consider doing some sessions with him and the counselor so you can continue the program at home. This way, both of you will grow stronger together. Keep me posted and godspeed with love to you both.

      Like

  10. Cheryl Wiebe says:

    My ex common law is a criminal lawyer and mentally abused me for 7 years. He is a master at it. I could not understand what he was doing and was in extreme pain until I started to educate myself on this topic. I went from being sucessful and happy to jobless and homeless. I have since recovered stronger than ever. He was married before me and did he same thing to his ex wife. She too is sucessful and strong like myself. We have become great friends through this crazy journey. I wish I could just forget and move on completely but the thing thing that kills us both is how he fools so many people into thinking he is amazing and wonderful. I never met anyone so mean cold and toxic in my life. His ex wife and i have discussed writing a book because our story is the same and so unbeleivable.

    Like

    • It would be a best seller! These days narcs are being exposed more and more everyday by their victims and the survivors. Everyone is sharing their stories. I have even shared my own experience right here on the blog about an experience I had with some malignant sociopaths. Under categories click Insanity. It’s 52 chapters of edge of your seat action.

      Like

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  14. Ms Lady says:

    You will outlive these times and there CAN be a better day.

    Walk away.

    This is the hour of lead,
    remembered if outlived.
    First chill, then stupor,
    then … the letting go.
    Emily Dickinson

    Like

  15. bernard25 says:

    Bonsoir

    Dans un cadre chaleureux
    L’Amitié est une maison
    Accueillante et agréable
    Il suffit d’ouvrir la porte de son cœur
    Pour offrir le meilleur de soi-même
    Je te souhaite une bonne soirée

    Une belle semaine

    Gros bisous

    Une rose d’amitié à t’offrir

    Bernard

    Liked by 1 person

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