Deflection behavior is when the narcissist blames the victim for their bad behavior and feels justified in bullying them. A malignant narcissist will even go as far as using the victim’s own self defense against them.
For example, posting a maliciously mean song about the victim and even using the victim’s name in the title. The description of the mean song identifies the victim’s relationship to the bully and then this song is posted publicly on every social network available to the bully. The bully tries to use humor to make people think the victim is someone they should also ridicule and humiliate.
This backfires when the victim faces off with the bully and comments directly on a post, asking the bully to reconsider their behavior because their behavior is unhealthy, in fact, this behavior has a name and it is called cyberbullying. But rather than taking a look at their bad behavior, the bully decides to hide the evidence and then deflects.
The bully now claims the victim is a bully.
Therefore the bully is justified in continuing to cyber bully the victim.
They project their own bad behavior onto the victim.
By the way, cyberbullying is against the law. If you are being cyberbullied, keep detailed records of all instances for the police to use should the bully decide to continue to escalate their illegal activities.
How many times have you heard someone who said something that is mean, vindictive and hurtful — or committed a violent and/or destructive act — justify it by saying the recipient had ‘made’ the perpetrator mad?
That’s an example of using blame to excuse your own bad behavior.
Unfortunately, blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy. It allows a person to act in a hurtful way to another human being. It isn’t the act itself, but it often clears the road. This is a small, but important point. Ordinary humans have inhibitions that serve as a buffer against what we know is bad behavior. Blame is not the act itself, but it either erodes or outright removes these inhibitions, often both . It develops a thought pattern that allows the person’s emotions to override his/her self-control in order to achieve an often selfish end — including sustaining dysfunctional patterns.
While this may seem like an overly harsh statement, also realize the kind of mindset that so quickly adopts blame as a defensive posture for emotional/ego protection is exactly the same one that will put you in front of, otherwise avoidable, physical danger.
~from No Nonsense Self Defense
When I did some research on this type of personality disorder I found that the “blame game” is considered high risk behavior. Their lack of empathy can often lead them to do things that normal society would find abhorrent and in some cases, even illegal.
People that engage in this kind of deflection often feel self important. They feel like they are above being called out or getting in trouble for their bully tactics. They don’t like to be wrong and they never apologize. Their main concern is the self gratification they receive from supporters and these supporters often only know the bully’s side of the story.
The other side of their gratification is the reaction they get from the victim. As long as the victim is kept engaged, off balance and upset, the bully stays sated. They get off on watching the victim react to their bullying tactics.
“Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.
Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.
Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.
The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival mechanism.
He or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.
This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).”
So what can you do?
I have come to the conclusion after many years of dealing with this type of personality disorder that there is nothing you can do in terms of expecting this person to change. They are basically incapable of changing. You can not fix them and you certainly can not control their behavior.
Under these circumstances, the only person you should be concerned with is yourself.
You can limit your contact with them if that is possible, but the best thing is to cut off all contact. I have found that even this becomes their reason for coming after you and they will use anyone they can in order to get to you. Surround yourself with healthy and loving friends and family and make them aware, if they aren’t already, of how toxic this person’s behavior is.
Never be silent about what is happening to you.
I have tried fighting back with limited success. What I have realized is this only titillates the fantasy they have of mastering some kind of control over you. Even your disgust for their behavior is something they seem to lust after.
Realize that your continued participation is also unhealthy for you and break free of the cycle the bully has created.
The best defense against a malignant narcissistic bully is to tell others what you are experiencing and then go about living a good life, free of the bully’s existence. Good luck out there! Stay safe, be loved and enjoy life!