Why are you so upset?
I’m upset because I just spent the last three hours trying to say I’m sorry for spending time with her husband this weekend. I invited him over to watch a game on television with me and my husband.
Why was she so mad?
They’re separated because she threw him out of the house.
Oh. So why did you invite him over if they’re fighting?
Because we wanted to find out what his story was and if he wants to go back to her.
Did he tell you?
No, he didn’t even stay that long. He left thirty minutes after he got there.
Does she want him to come home?
She kind of does want him to come home, but only if he makes some major changes in his behavior.
Did she think you were meddling in her personal life? Because it sorta sounds that way to me.
No, she was just mad we looked like we were siding with him instead of her.
It sounds like you’re on her side and gathering intel for her. So now you can’t hang out with him anymore?
Well, she thinks that if we all cut him off that eventually he will feel all alone and realize what he’s missing and go home. She doesn’t want any of us to speak to him or have him over, or anything.
It sounds like she is trying to isolate him from all of their friends.
Well, kind of.
The fact that she’s doing that and that she got so angry with you for being his friend doesn’t send up some huge red flags for you as her friend? I mean, weren’t you his friend before they started fighting? Why would that change?
What do you mean?
I mean that all of you were friends and that friendship doesn’t just quit because they fight, right? Besides that, aren’t you afraid she will try to manipulate you the same way if you don’t do what she wants you to do?
I dunno. Maybe.
You should tell your friend that her husband isn’t coming home. If he does, she’s going to pay a really high price for the changes he makes and for the crap she’s pulling now. This is not what love feels like.
There are some seriously grave invasions being made here and if you are ever subjected to behavior that looks anything like this, run!
- Never insert yourself between the intimacy of a husband and wife when they’re arguing. It’s none of your business unless you see physical abuse. Then call the police.
- It’s not cool to gossip about your friend’s marital problems with anyone, especially if your friend confided in you.
- Isolating a loved one in hopes they’ll return out of fear is simply wrong.
- Gathering information to report back to the other party involved is flying monkey behavior. When the people involved are adults, they can solve their own marital strife like adults. If they need intervention they can call a professional therapist. Unless you’re a professional therapist, mind your own dam business.
- A person that triangulates and isolates a spouse will do the same thing to their friends. And a friend that spends way too much time involving themselves in your marital problems is someone loving the misery that’s happening. Good friends will keep a healthy distance so you can sort things out with your spouse. Be aware.
- When married people fight, they need their friends and they need friends that will work to save the marriage by encouraging counseling, instead of taking sides like they’re in grade school.
- Your involvement in their problems should be minimal! Don’t meddle! Know where to draw the line and stick to your own personal boundaries no matter what you’re asked to do. After all, you’re usually not in the bedroom with them, so you have no clue what’s really going on.
None of this is what love or friendship feels like.
I can also tell you this; if this were me and I was the one listening to her betray the confidence of her other friend about something as fragile as a marriage can be at times, this person wouldn’t be someone I could trust anymore. Obviously it’s not someone the other person knows and it doesn’t sound like she’s asking for advice. She’s gossiping and that’s just wrong.