I have been riding the wave of euphoria for about two weeks now after publishing my first book and I am finally settling down and getting back to normal. I have never fancied myself anyone of importance and have no noticeable, notable qualities, except for one thing…you can find my book on Amazon now.
My regular blog readers have probably noticed a huge drop-off in posts and that’s because I was deep in editing mode for the last six months. I could only make it back here to write a post occasionally and I have missed it! I miss hearing from all of you and seeing your names pop up in my stats. I miss reading your words and basking in that common ground we all have of loving to share our thoughts and words with one another. It spoils me for everything else.
I’ve been asked several times what the book is about and I guess the best description is in the introduction of the book.
“There were instances with people throughout my life that baffled me. I could never figure out why I always walked away mentally battered and bruised from certain relationships, or why I felt like it was always my fault and that somehow I could fix the problems if I could just be a better person.
Later in life I would have these same connections with people, but this time I was in a partnership and my partner believed the best way to deal with the abuse was to stay silent. So I stayed as silent as I possibly could and began to internalize the conflict and abuse heaped on me. As you can imagine, this was not working for me. In fact, that kind of solution probably won’t work for anyone that is a human being with a heart and mind.
I started blogging as an outlet for the frustration I was suffering with and my blog, Madeline Scribes, was born and I became the writer, Madeline Laughs. I would sit with my laptop almost daily and bang on the keyboard, pouring my deepest thoughts onto the computer screen so I could read them aloud and know that even if my abuser wasn’t reading them, I could see my words now. I felt validated.
I blogged about the pain I felt and how it happened. I painfully relived horrible instances in my life where a person had humiliated me or my family and how I couldn’t strike back because I wasn’t allowed to. I wrote about everything and left no stone unturned.
Not long after I made my blog public I realized I wasn’t alone. There were thousands of people venturing onto my small piece of the planet and they all had the same experiences I had. It was exhilarating to finally confirm that I was not the crazy person here! I journeyed into the blogosphere myself and read other accounts that resembled my own experiences so much that it was shocking. That’s when I learned what kind of beast I was dealing with. That’s when I learned the term narcissism and what it meant. My eyes were finally open wide and I was on a mission.
I remember my first encounter with what I knew now was a narcissist. Describing them using that word never even occurred to me at the time because I had absolutely no idea who or what I was dealing with. I had no way of knowing the scope of damage this one person would be able to inflict on me personally or that this damage would reverberate with me for years to come.
They are also commonly referred to as Cluster B personality disorders. Where could I go for help? Who knew what was happening to me? Who could I trust?
What is a Cluster B personality disorder? They are those folks among us that have a pervasive disregard for anything lawful and the rights of others. They are narcissists and sociopaths. They lack empathy of any kind and yet they demand adoration and undying devotion. They are manipulative, liars, arrogant, deceitful, vengeful, self-centered, delusional and abusive. While narcissists are developed from childhood or early adulthood trauma, a sociopath is born that way.
It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago when I was simply a woman trying to make my own way in the world. This innocent and loving world I chose was about to become turned on its axis. I had always presumed the best in people and trusted everyone and now everything I believed would be stretched past a breaking point and discarded. People I had once thought loved me would turn into monsters overnight. Nothing I built the foundation of my faith on would hold water anymore when I started to question the people I was surrounded with and the rules I had always lived by.
This collection of essays was written on my blog, Madeline Scribes, over the years. I am not a doctor of any kind and have no college degrees in this arena. I am simply someone that suffered at the hands of these sorts of abusive personalities and survived to write about it. These words document my struggles to understand and recover from the abusive behaviors of being exposed to Cluster B personality disorders. I’m not saying all forms of narcissism are bad, but this book only dwells on the bad ones. I hope you’ll have a look and perhaps find something healing and constructive in planning your own recovery from the abuses some human beings are so adept at using to hurt us.”
Publishing a book is not an easy thing to do.
I won’t even lie to you and tell you this was a breeze, because it takes a toll. I had to stop overthinking and being overly protective. I had to realize that I can put my work out there and no matter what happens or where it goes from here, it was my dream realized and from this place of accomplishment I can choose to go any place I want to go now.
And so I’m off! My next book is a mysterious comedy that will surely make you laugh out loud!