If you were ever caught up in the middle of someone in the process of executing crazy making behavior on you, it’s one of the most befuddling situations you will ever be subjected to.
Crazy making behavior is just what it sounds like. It’s someone trying to make you crazy, or keep you unbalanced and confused, so they can manipulate you. It’s not fun or funny, in fact, it’s diabolical and incredibly damaging. If you’re still unsure what this kind of behavior looks like, I’ll share some examples.
My mother in law used to tell me to my face how much she loved me, but behind my back she told everyone else how much she hated me. When I would ask her about it she would deny that she ever told people that, but I knew she was.
Her motivation is rooted in the fact that she can’t control me and it makes her angry. She can’t just love me for who I am, she needs to control me. She wants to know where I am and what I’m doing at all times and she doesn’t want me to be friends with or spend time around anyone but her. I don’t cooperate, so she tries to isolate me by assuming that her gossip will turn others against me. I guess it makes her feel like she’s in control of something to use gossip as a way to isolate me.
I can’t control what she does. I can only control how I react to it and that’s the first step to walking away from crazy making behavior. You have to realize that the only way they can make you crazy is if you allow it. It’s true what they say; what you allow will continue.
That being said, I also don’t have time for folks that play into the drama by maliciously repeating the gossip. I am totally transparent and happy to answer any questions. But if you just want to spread the word to everyone else, then you might be a Crazy Maker too.
The second thing you need to come to terms with is if someone is doing this to you, this is abuse.
You are being abused.
How do you know when it’s crazy making behavior? That’s easy! Those moments you start to doubt yourself and your own reality because they are saying it’s different from what you already know, think again.
If a person in your life that you cared about started telling you that everyone that knew you, hated you and they couldn’t believe that the two of you were friends because they think you are awful. You would probably go into a great depression thinking about what a terrible and useless person you must be and they must be right about you.
Snap out of it!
You are being manipulated and isolated!
You need to remember that you have good friends!
You are a nice person!
People do like you!
This is the real truth of your situation and not what the Crazy Maker is saying about you at all.
A Crazy Maker is also passive aggressive and they will blame everything that goes wrong on you. “What did you do to screw this up?!” It wouldn’t matter if you were halfway around the world when it happened, it’s going to somehow end up being your fault because they never do anything wrong.
They are dismissive and belittling and will do everything in their power to slowly erode every bit of self-esteem you ever had in order to manipulate and control you. Their one goal is to make you so submissive and afraid that you won’t make a single move in life unless they give you the stamp of approval. Does any of this ring a bell?
- You misunderstood.
- You messed it up.
- This is your fault and not theirs.
- You are a sorry excuse for a human being.
- You are so stupid!
- You are crazy!
- They will huff and they will puff and they will blow your house down!
I remember listening to a woman make some biting remarks about someone she had introduced to me as “her very best friend”. She was angry with the friend and she wanted me to know just how awful her friend was so I would think she was awful too. She shared intimate and gory details behind her friend’s back about this woman’s relationships with other men and talked about her children too. I listened to disparaging remarks about this poor stranger’s life for the few hours it took to have coffee with her “best friend”.
A few days later I saw her comment fondly on the other woman’s Facebook page and I sent her a private message asking if they were back on speaking terms. She replied that she had no idea what I was talking about. So all of that degrading and repulsive gossip I sat through over coffee…never happened? Now that is crazy making behavior!
But here’s something you don’t know about Crazy Makers. They are the most insecure people on the planet.
This is something you need to learn because it is the one revelation that will make you take the path to recovery a lot sooner, instead of sticking around trying to figure out what the reality is, or used to be.
- They speak unkindly about everyone. When I say unkindly, I mean these people will share some of the most heinous gossip you would ever hear about another person. You don’t even have to know the person and they’ll still talk nasty about them to you.
- No one is immune, not even the listener. As soon as you walk out the door, they’ll be saying something vile about you to the next listener and on and on it goes.
- They use gossip as a way of isolating their victim. If people believe the mean stories the Crazy Maker tells about their target, then eventually they’re hoping that the target won’t have anyone to turn to for support.
- A Crazy Maker is constantly surrounded with their own turmoil and discord. There will always be tension, or a problem or some kind of drama around them. Nothing in their life is ever happy, or good enough or going the way they want it to go.
- They can be some of the most depressing and dismal individuals you will ever be around because they do nothing to improve their lot. They enjoy things just the way they have them all stirred up to be. And if it’s not happening in real life, they’ll make something up!
The way you can recognize someone who is in a relationship with a Crazy Maker is that everything screwy and unpleasant in that person’s life all leads back to one person. When you see constant depression or self-esteem issues with someone you know, always question who they’re spending the most time around and what that person is telling them.
There is very little about the Crazy Maker that is normal or mentally healthy, though they can live ordinary lives, just like the rest of us. Their way of thinking is simply dysfunctional and the crazy making methods they use are the only way they know how to deal with any kind of stress in their lives. It is much the same behavior you would witness from a young child who is just figuring out how to manage their relationships with other people. The difference is that most children mature.
Good luck out there and always remember, when a so-called friend is always blaming you for something, or telling you all the different ways you’re a bad person, or maliciously gossiping about you behind your back to other people, then you are in a relationship with a Crazy Maker.
You can find this and many other entries about living with and recovering from narcissistic abuse in my book, Life After the Narcissist written by Katy Shultz. Available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com and all fine retailers.