Deflection behavior of the narcissist and How You Can Protect Yourself


Deflection behavior is when the narcissist blames the victim for their own bad behavior and feels justified in bullying them. A malignant narcissist will even go as far as using the victim’s own self defense against them.

Sounds insane, doesn’t it?

They will stalk their victim and watch every exposed move the victim makes. If the victim uses social media in an attempt to fight back against the Smear Campaign being executed by the Narcissist, the Narcissist will take whatever the victim is sharing and flip it, so it appears the victim is attacking the Narc on social media. It’s diabolical and has been very effective in shutting down and silencing many victims in the past. Therefore the Narc gets to continue their reign of terror while the victim has to sit there and watch the nightmare unfold again and again and again.

Essentially, the Narc projects their bad behavior onto the victim by playing the Blame Game.  

That is all a part of the past now because these days cyberbullying is against the law. If you are being cyberbullied, keep detailed records of all instances for the police to use if a Narc escalates their illegal activities to include anything online.

When I did some research on this type of personality disorder I found that the “blame game” is considered high risk behavior. Their lack of empathy can often lead them to do things that normal society would find abhorrent and in some cases, even illegal. Never underestimate someone that goes out of their way to attack you like this. They have no moral compass guiding them.


  • People that engage in this kind of deflection often feel self-important.
  • They feel like they are above being called out or getting in trouble for their bully tactics.
  • They don’t like to be wrong and they never apologize.
  • Their main concern is the self-gratification they receive from supporters and these supporters often only know the bully’s side of the story.

The other side of their self-gratification is the reaction they get from the victim. As long as the victim is kept engaged, off balance and upset, the bully stays sated. They get off on watching the victim react to their bullying tactics.


So what can you do?

I have come to the conclusion after many years of dealing with this type of personality disorder that there is nothing you can do in terms of expecting this person to change. They are basically incapable of changing. You cannot fix them and you certainly cannot control their behavior.

The only person you should be concerned with is yourself.


  • You can limit your contact with them if that is possible, but the best thing is to cut off all contact. I have found that even cutting them off becomes their reason for coming after you and they will use anyone they can in order to get to you.
  • Surround yourself with healthy and loving friends and family and make them aware, if they aren’t already, of this toxic person’s behavior.
  • Never be silent about what is happening to you.
  • Speak up.


I have tried fighting back with limited success. What I have realized is this only titillates the fantasy they have of mastering some kind of control over you. Even your anger is something they seem to enjoy.

Your continued participation is also unhealthy for you. Break free of the cycle the bully has created.

The best defense against a malignant narcissistic bully is to tell others what you are experiencing. Cut off all contact with the bully and with anyone the bully keeps constant contact with. To be fair, not everyone that associates with the bully is toxic, but when they refuse to choose a side after watching the bully abuse you, they are choosing the bully’s side.  Those are the folks to definitely cut off contact with too.

You can find this and many other entries about living with and recovering from narcissistic abuse in my book, Life After the Narcissist written by Katy Shultz. Available on, Barnes and and all fine retailers.

About Madeline Scribes

A writer with a sense of humor. If anyone can laugh at life, it's me.
This entry was posted in All kinds of Advice, Personal Boundaries Primer and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to Deflection behavior of the narcissist and How You Can Protect Yourself

  1. Pingback: The Blaming Mindset | Salem Witch Hunt

  2. silkred says:

    there is an interesting conundrum here… some difficult tension between – Staying Silent – and – Speaking out

    You advise against internalising the experience, this seems intuitively correct and I agree it is correct – you can’t exist with this inside you, it drives you insane, brings depression, makes you ill… erupts in anger.

    Speaking out however is by its nature, visible, and if its visible then these hyper vigilant losers will find it.

    The sad excuse for a human who abuses me found even posts like this – comments online – so in speaking out and describing the affects of his actions I have to accept that the sad bastard is likely to read them finding them somehow amusing to him at how its affecting me.

    He recruited a technically able sidekick loser of a different nature to hack behind the passwords I use to keep my notes on narcissism generally private. I share them sometimes so I don’t have to explain or articulate the things that happened, to externalise them from my mind, which has been a success and comes under – Speaking Out – but he has read them too, quotes back to me things I have said on these pages on posts like this – I imagine too he has shared them to demonstrate to others what a nutter I have become.


    There is a conflict there isn’t there, I have come to think of narcissism as being like chess, these losers play their moves with some experience, cornering you, checked, in a place with few options.

    Speaking Out and telling my peers what was happening made me the source of the abuse and let them turn away from me without remorse – one even explained it to me in an email how awful he thought I had been to this poor excuse of a man and that it was “down to me” – “the ball in your court” to attempt a return… that was the last I have heard from a once good friend.

    I think talking about it works only in getting it out your system, connecting in places like this, with others like you, who understand and know and with whom you can explore the experience, putting it to bed – gently – and with care – so as not to wake the evil noisy excuse for a human so they cry and cry… if you take care then all you are left with is a dormant tumour in your life – always watching – ready to act – sharply painful if aroused…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know what you mean silkred and they will always find a way to use your words against you. Here is where you can benefit from that…the ones that believe the narc are not people you want in your life anyway.

      They do you a huge favor by weeding out people that will eventually hurt you. Your true friends will stay by your side, while staying out of the drama.


      • silkred says:

        yes – you know I think that is true… I think it is key, like you have just done so simply, to see the positive and focus on that… let the rest just drift away…

        talking in these places with you and with others has been a revelation for me – it has created a safe feeling nurturing healthy place to articulate thoughts, share experiences and to sense the healing process start…

        Liked by 1 person

    • Tell your story SilkRed!! Get it all out! You will be amazed at how freeing this will be for you. It worked wonders for me.


      • silkred says:

        For me too – at times – not always – I find that I am struggling to cope a lot of the time and now that I have the loser at a distance there will be times soon when I have to see him

        those times are then I wish to fly my glider – moments when I would be lost almost totally in the wonder of flight this loser and his friends will all be there – meaning I will have to filter them out somehow – if I make it to those places even at all

        the whole notion of this places a barrier between me and the pure feeling of freedom I once so enjoyed – but I am determined not to let such a worthless narc get in the way of this – but I am angry… a lot.


      • The anger will fade away eventually. In the meantime, love yourself and keep reaching out to people that have been through this. I want to recommend another blogger to you. I think her words will give you even more insight and tools for healing.


  3. Pingback: What if The Abusers Changed? | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  4. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Right on target …. great post!


  5. Dr. Rex says:

    On another note, thanks for stopping by “It Is What It Is” and the follow. I hope you enjoy your visits there. Peace … hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. marschris6 says:

    Thank you so much, im in the mddle of this and just walked away from my partner. He almost drove me insane…. still trying to heal , still bleeding inside 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A human being says:

    Here’s a mindblower (well only my mind I suppose)–When I objected to my being verbally abused, emotionally abused–physically abused–my abuser accused me of “abusing” him by telling him not to abuse me!


    He objects to being “told what to do” (of course I must obey his every command)


    It’s all b.s.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. J. W. Just says:

    Excellent analysis and your advice to Ito cut off all contact is accurate. Personality disordered people thrive on the cycle of reeling you in over and over again simply to attack you after leading you to believe things have changed. In my case it is my adult daughter. It was a difficult decision to cut all contact because I have three beautiful grandsons. I have accepted the fact I may get to know them when the become adults, but not before… Which means I have eleven years of no contact before the oldest turns 18. Sad, but necessary. In the meantime, I’ll continue to volunteer in my community and enjoy my life sans family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me too JW. My own family was nothing but drama, so I opted out eventually. You have to decide what it’s worth to you and sometimes family thinks they can treat you like crap just because you’re family. That’s no longer the case these days. More and more people are working on their mental health and if your family is unhealthy, no law says you have to stick it out.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Ann says:

    I dove in head first to find some answers, some support and some relief. Feeling set off and helpless. My ex has what I believe to be NPD. He has visitation with our 7 yr old son one weekend a month. Before each visit my son gets so anxious and doesn’t want to go. Then comes home after each visit having suffered greatly in his father’s care. Making it all even worse is the “step-mother”, his dad’s gf. They now have a baby together and she treats my son like an unwanted dog. Belittle, criticize, devalue, verbally attack, humiliate and so on. The police told me that it is not a criminal offense to be emotionally abusive. The Child and Family Services have refused my request to investigate. The police also put in a report to CFS, but no investigation after three months…

    I got messages back for my ex deflecting all I say as harassment, abuse, bullying and he takes zero responsibility for the pain my son is enduring. I am to blame for everything. I am an idiot. I am a terrible mother. I am unskilled. I am irrational. I am causing my son to suffer by not teaching him proper behaviours.

    Am I going off the deep end mental? No one can do anything to end the suffering my little boy goes through. They tear him down and I put him together again every time. I sent an email after the last visit insisting that shame style parenting is damaging to children, and they do not benefit from authoritarian controls. I maybe should have said nothing, but I am Mama Bear mad at the damage I see in my beautiful boy’s heart, and in his eyes. He asks why I keep sending him for visits and when will I call the police.

    I tell he is brave just as he is and knows in his heart right from wrong. I can not tell him that I am bound by Court Order.

    How do I show the Court my ex is extremely narcissistic without labeling him as one? I document everything in a journal. What good is that if no one will take enough time to try and understand the multi-layered history of it all?

    How do I release myself from this trap and move forward to healing?

    I am under Court Order.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am not a doctor, counselor or lawyer, but I can tell you this. Please get your son into counseling now. Find a therapist that specializes in helping children deal with mental and emotional abuse so that they can teach your son how to process and possibly avoid what is happening to him at his father’s house. You might also consider doing some sessions with him and the counselor so you can continue the program at home. This way, both of you will grow stronger together. Keep me posted and godspeed with love to you both.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Cheryl Wiebe says:

    My ex common law is a criminal lawyer and mentally abused me for 7 years. He is a master at it. I could not understand what he was doing and was in extreme pain until I started to educate myself on this topic. I went from being sucessful and happy to jobless and homeless. I have since recovered stronger than ever. He was married before me and did he same thing to his ex wife. She too is sucessful and strong like myself. We have become great friends through this crazy journey. I wish I could just forget and move on completely but the thing thing that kills us both is how he fools so many people into thinking he is amazing and wonderful. I never met anyone so mean cold and toxic in my life. His ex wife and i have discussed writing a book because our story is the same and so unbeleivable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It would be a best seller! These days narcs are being exposed more and more everyday by their victims and the survivors. Everyone is sharing their stories. I have even shared my own experience right here on the blog about an experience I had with some malignant sociopaths. Under categories click Insanity. It’s 52 chapters of edge of your seat action.

      Liked by 1 person

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  14. Ms Lady says:

    You will outlive these times and there CAN be a better day.

    Walk away.

    This is the hour of lead,
    remembered if outlived.
    First chill, then stupor,
    then … the letting go.
    Emily Dickinson

    Liked by 1 person

  15. bernard25 says:


    Dans un cadre chaleureux
    L’Amitié est une maison
    Accueillante et agréable
    Il suffit d’ouvrir la porte de son cœur
    Pour offrir le meilleur de soi-même
    Je te souhaite une bonne soirée

    Une belle semaine

    Gros bisous

    Une rose d’amitié à t’offrir


    Liked by 1 person

  16. MG says:

    That’s a really good point about those who don’t choose sides while watching the bully abuse you. They are participating!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was always so frustrating to me to tell someone I felt was my friend about the atrocities I was being put through only to have them shrug and tell me, “Well he’s never done anything bad to me.” Well no shit! He’s been too busy bullying me!! They enable the bullies by not taking a stand. These are folks I usually end up putting on mute. They aren’t your friends.

      Liked by 1 person

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